The Deployment Journey For The Spouse

I have been seeing a lot of posts via the internet about military spouses having a tough time making it through deployments, and their deployments have just begun. Many of these women are virgins of the deployment, but some are in fact veterans.

Months ago I wrote a blog and made a comment stating how fast you get used to being alone, it really is unnerving. Now I understand that we are all different and events effect us all differently. I underestimated the magnitude to which the numbers of the dramatic effects go.

Doctors are diagnosing military wives with PTSD, being left alone being the traumatic part. I am not saying that this is not correct, or that wives are being a bit too emotional. What I am sayting is that here is a perfect time to step back, look at your life, and do what we preach to our military members everyday... get help. Do not wait until your spouse returns and then realize that you indeed are not getting better, get the help that you need before you need it. There are many programs set in place by the military to help spouses get through these tough times. This of course is if you can get out of bed, or off the couch to do so.

Try and take some of the emotional times and turn them into something special, here are some examples:

You just spent the past two days moping around - You just spent the past two days doing something you would not do if your husband was home... you were lazy!

You are spending the holidays alone - These are great times to reflect on what you truly have, if you have children this is a great time to talk to them about what is truly special in life. If you are invited to spend them with a friend's family, really contemplate it, it could be fun.

Your car broke down - Trust me, seems as though it always happens when your spouse is gone! If it is something simple, try to learn how to fix it yourself. There is nothing more powerful then know YOU could do it.

You cry.. a lot - Great, let it out! I have said before that you always know a military spouse when they cry in the grocery store. It is okay to cry, these are good times to remind yourself what you are going through, and how strong you have been.

I understand that these are easier said than done, but try. Try to get up today and go see something that you have not yet seen. If you have one head over to the USO office and see what activities that they are hosting. See what the surrounding areas are doing, with a military post nearby there are usually many different things to see and do. DO NOT be afraid to talk to a doctor, remember your other half is gone. The person that you normally share things with is gone, so do not hesitate to talk to someone else.

The most important thing to remember is that after today there is tomorrow, and so on. Before you know it you will be half way done, and soon it will be over. It may not seem like it right now, but it will all be a memory soon. Do not beat yourself up too bad, this is a deployment for your spouse and a journey for you!

A Military Poem

There are many days of a lifetime love

Sometimes we think that we cannot do

What many say is impossibly above

The life of the normal and civilian too

**

                                                                                                 

There are many days that we sit and cry

Too many to clarify how or even why

**

We have days that we wonder

How can we go any more

With the lightning and thunder

We just find a rug and sweep it all under

**

The months go by and we think they will never end

Then a day comes that we cannot even speak to a friend

**

With a ring of the door and a glimpse out the window

I fall to the ground and sob like a widow

**

I was new to the service but knew of the men

Three all dressed and ready to try and mend

**

A heart that is broken

With the wind of the day

I am not sure I can live, we just had until May

**

Now all alone I am not sure what to do

I look right down and I am staring at you

**

Your dad was a hero

A man of little words

He always talked about you

I swear even to the birds

**

He was never able to meet you

We fell two months short

But he will always protect you

Even if from Heaven's port

The Military

The military goes back hundreds of years, and it is no secret that it is a controversy among many. There are many that support the military and many who do not. This is not a blog today to sway you either way, but to let you into my mind for a minute to allow you to see my perspective.

I am not from a military family, I do not remember all but one member of service in my entire family. That did not sway my view on the military and the want to just hug every service member I saw. There is something to be said for men and women who give their freedom of doing what they want to giving themselves for the freedom of others.

It was not until my husband joined the military that seeing what these service members really do became a reality. Now there are many things that you see from some men and woman that was a slap in the face, but remembering that these are still normal human beings reminds me that mistakes in personal lives are still made. There is also the reminder that out of uniform you cannot tell the difference between a military member and a civilian, but when that uniform is on they are nothing of the ordinary. There are nights that they do not sleep, there are days that they do not rest, and there are moments that all they want is a home cooked meal.

My belief is that whether you are for or against the war until you put your feet in those boots and do what they do you have no right to judge these men and woman for doing their job, and protecting your freedom. I feel that it is much easier to sit in your recliner and voice your opinion than to get up and do something for someone other than yourself.

As I am sitting here writing this I have the television on in the background, why I do not know. On the show that has nothing to do with military, a soldier comes into contact with the person on the show and his face is scarred, while in Afghanistan and an IED exploded burning off his face and more. I cannot help but tear up, not necessarily for what he has to deal with the rest of his life, but for the sacrifices he gave up and still has that uniform on. These men and woman not only give up their time and a huge piece of their freedom, but they do it knowing the dangers that they will face.

Between the dangers, the emotions, the families and the friends these service members have given their lives up for you. And whether you are for or against these men and women you should show your respect, as there could come a day that you are in danger, and they would not hesitate to protect you no matter your belief.

To Cry or Not To Cry, That Is The Question

We are strong, we are flexible, we are the silent ranks. We never fail, we never are defeated, and we definitely never cry over spilt milk. Okay the last three were complete lies, and if you disagree with that then well.... you are a mutant.

I did a blog a while back about letting your emotions out and understanding that it is okay. I thought in this blog I would cover some more emotions that we are too prideful to talk about.

Picture this: You take your children to the store ensuring that it is to be quick in and out trip, all you need is bread and milk. As you go into the store you greet the greeter, say hello to some fellow spouses and merrily go about your way. Your children are acting amazing(remember you just walked in), so far so good. BAM the milk hits the floor as you pull it out of the cooler and just spills a little onto the floor. That's it, you lose it, the tears come and they cannot stop. The store assures you it is fine, and they take care of the clean-up. Now your kids are over the trip and want to go home NOW. You are so frustrated that you start whispering in a very threatening way that they are in so much trouble for acting out, and you rush out of the store, nothing in hand. As you get into the car you kids are screaming wanting to know why they are in trouble and you for some reason cannot stop the waterworks, and all you can think is how bad you want your other half there. Over spilt milk really!? Yes, really.

There it was, the breakdown that your mind has been needing and you had no idea was coming. Welcome to the military. There are moments that we all have that not many, especially civilians, understand. There is a moment in being a military spouse that all of the running around and all of the keeping the pieces together when everything seems to crumble. Now another thing that many do not understand is how within hours, we are fine again, well as fine as we can be. I am not saying that civilians do not carry similar burdens on their backs as well, but there are many hidden emotions that only military spouses will understand.

I am specifically saying 'military spouses' because I truly feel that even the military member has little to no idea the weight that is carried on the shoulder of their better half, I mean other half....

There is the obvious deployment, or deployments. These are the hard ones to deal with emotionally. If you have children you are not only attempting to reassure yourself that you are fine, you are reassuring your children as well. There is never a moment that you are not thinking about your spouse hoping and praying that they are okay. They truth of the matter is, we all know that there is a delay in the message being relayed to us on the home front if anything happens so the edge is never taken off.

There are training exercises. These if you are lucky take place on the post you are stationed at, if you're lucky. In most cases, just to toy with us I think, they are not. They are in another state usually far away. And in many cases you are not in much contact with your spouse during this time, which can last from a few weeks to a few months. When you take away the emotion of your husband being away at war, it is almost easier for them to be deployed for a 12 month period. During the deployment you know that they will not be home soon, you know that you will not hear from them for days at a time, you know that you can sit around in your pajamas all day if you want. I never did that....... but you could if you wanted to. When they are away at training there is a date that, to us, is not that far away so it is a waiting game. And trust me, the waiting game can kill you!

There is schooling that is required, again, usually not on the same post. All of these add up to a lot of "me" time. And I don't know many spouses that do not get sick of themselves after a while.

So many things that play an effect on our emotions, too many to count. Seeing dad's or mom's at the park, or let's be honest anywhere; military movies or any movies with happy families, or let's be honest families at all; hallmark movies, or commercials, these are the worst I cannot talk about it, it is too emotional. These simple things and so many more are reminders of what we are missing, and what we could potentially lose forever. It is a great reminder that we do not fully appreciate what we have until it is gone.

A Quick After The Election Blog

Whew! What an election! I can honestly say that although there are MANY unhappy people today and equally as many happy people there is something to be said for the passion we have for our country. I hope at least that is why emotions are running high and not because we want “our guy” to win just so we can rub it in another’s face.

There will never be a president that can make everyone happy, there will never be anything that will make everyone happy, that is a guarantee. One thing we need to keep in mind is that as passionate as we feel our opinion is, it is just that, an opinion. As strong as we may feel about something, someone else may feel just as strong, but in the other direction. The important part of this election, and the next four years with President Obama is that although we may not agree we will stand behind this nation, he may not stand under God, but I will, and he cannot stop that. There are many good points to his presidency, but there are some not so good points as well, as it would be with any president. My point to this blog today is that we cannot change the world, nor can one man, but we need to come to the agreement that we will never be fully satisfied.

Do not hate your neighbor for having a different opinion, embrace the fact that you both can have and voice that opinion freely. Do not hate your friend because he feels differently about religion as you do, embrace that fact that we have religion and the freedom to embark on the religion of our choice. Do not hate the person walking down the street because they are wearing something that you find appalling, or disgraceful love the fact that you woke up this morning with a roof over your head and got to freely choose what you put on your body. We all have different opinions, keep this in mind today as you start up your conversations regarding the president. Things will change, some will stay the same, either way it is scary and by no means predictable. It is easy to say that we can change the world, but the fact is that without all of us thinking the same and feeling the same passion the world will be something of a mystery. That is the beautiful thing about this country and the freedom to feel and speak as we please.

We All Have Something In Our Lives That Weigh Heavy On Our Hearts

The months are passing so fast this year it seems and now that the end of the year is coming upon us we are faced yet again with another year without the man of our family. This Army experience will total 5 ½ years when we are done with it, and we have been a whole family for 2 of them. I am not complaining that he has missed so much, because honestly we have been blessed to have had him with us for that long. But I am having a hard time knowing that this part of our lives will be over in a little over a year. This means no more sleepless nights worrying about his safety, no more running from the news afraid to hear of more deaths and hoping it was not where he was located, and no more wondering when he will be home for dinner. In the same breath though this also means no more helicopters flying overhead in the middle of the night, no more artillery shaking our house at all hours, no more driving to the store and seeing soldiers in formation, these things that I strangely love so much. I could go on and on with the things that I will miss about this lifestyle, but the truth of it is, I will just plain miss this lifestyle altogether.

I will never look at a single parent the same, nor will I see a child with his parent the same either. Seeing a women in the grocery store break out into tears because she dropped her purse will always make my stomach drop, and hearing gunfire at a funeral will always make me cry. Situations that we do not understand and in no means have to, but we can understand enough that we all have something in our lives that weighs heavy on our hearts.

As a person in the military you learn so much and you take so much from the situations that you endure. Rightfully so, you also take a lot on your mind and emotions that you may not be able to describe. I do not feel as though as a spouse we have a lot of right to complain, as we are not the ones that have leave or the ones in direct harm’s way. With that said, I cannot help but feel so many emotions of this lifestyle that I do not want to leave behind. As we get closer to moving away and entering the full blown civilian lifestyle I am realizing how much the military has affected me as a spouse as well. I have made friendships that I will never find again, the understanding that you could have a friend for 6 months and they never once have met your spouse. I have realized in myself that I can do this on my own, I can be a single parent and make sense of it all while being so confused along the way. I will never look at Skype the same again as it was my life for 12 months. So many things that I am taking with me that I never in a million years thought would affect me so much, and yet here I sit, tearful as I think about it.

I do not really have a point to today’s blog, other than to put down in writing my love for the military. Not all of it was good, not all of it was bad, but it is what it is. It is a life that I will never forget and a life that many will never live. It is a life that has made me feel emotions I never knew I had, and has made me love my husband in ways I never thought possible.  I will cherish the years we spent living in this strange lifestyle, but I will never cherish it more than I will cherish this last sprint of our journey.

So here is to the next journey in our life, knowing that this is our last Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years until another whole year has passed. And oddly enough, I would not change it for anything in the world.

This is for you bully.

According to bing.com a bully is as stated; aggressive person: an aggressive person who intimidates or mistreats weaker people.

October is anti-bully awareness month, and many schools and organizations are doing their part to raise awareness to the growing trend.

I have had numerous friends talking about the issues that their children are having at school with bullies and the tough times that their children are having dealing with it. I understand that bullying is something that comes with life, something that has been around since man learned to sin. It is hard in this day and time with the growing ability to find and look at anything on the internet, television, movies,  and more. Bullying seems to be something that is getting harsher and dealt from the hand at a very young age. So what now, how to we stop it?

The sad reality is that we will never be able to stop it. Bullying is something that will do nothing but grow as we live and the unfortunate victims will just need to learn how to deal with it. With all of this said, I have chose to not write a blog about how I think we stop bullying but rather to take this time to say a few words to all the bullies out there.

You are human, you are alive, you are breathing and bleed just like everyone else. You have hair and nails, and most likely wear underwear. So how do I know that you are indeed a bully? You are all of these things and much much more. You are hateful, you are weak, you are spiteful, and you are pathetic. Do I think that you are worthless, no, I think that you need a reality check, and I think that you perhaps needed better guidance.

Bullying comes in many forms, stating how someone looks in a negative way, stating that someone sounds funny for the way that they talk, laughing when someone else is being picked on, putting your hands on someone else, yelling at someone, throwing things, I could go on and on. The point is bullying comes in many shapes and forms, and you may think that you are the one on the outside, but evaluate yourself and truly take notice on how you treat others.

What is the point, what do you really gain from picking on another, and do you really actually gain anything from it. Your friends laugh at what you do and you feel a sense of power, but you need to realize they are laughing with you because they do not want to be the ones laughed at. Your superiors look at you as a weakling, not because you are physically, but that you are too weak to take the path of being kind and understanding and instead take the path of attempting to be on top. You will grow up to be a bully and teach your children to be bullies, and your adult friends will wonder why you are the way you are.

You see, you bully those around you to make yourself feel as though you are in power, but the reality of it is you are the one on the outside. Others look at you as the odd one, the one that is different.

Have you never been hurt? Have you never been sad, or felt what it is like to lose? And have you been happy and excited for something? Have you felt love from another, or ever lost someone that is close to you. Take all of these emotions and wrap them together, your victims, the ones you pray on,  and for some this could many, as the victim you feel all of these emotions wrapped into one. You are always hurt, you are always lost, you can be happy and sad at the same time. It is not funny or "cool" to make someone hurt this way.

Bullying is something that everyone will deal with at some point in their lives, I use this as a way to teach my own children that they do not like the way it feels, and at no point should they make others feel this way.

Learn from your hatred that you can change, you can be better. Learn from your hatred that you do not have to be this way, and that you are stronger by choosing a different path. You are weaker the meaner you are, and you are sad to watch.

Next time you get the urge to punch or speak with hate, try something different, say something else or say nothing at all. If you are an adult, think of your children, maybe they will be the ones that will be bullied, maybe they will be the ones hurt by someone just as yourself.

And to the victims

God made us all equal, it does not mean that some are better looking than others, or there is a right or wrong way to speak. Our body types are not meant to be the same, or judged. And if you are the one being bullied, my heart breaks for you, but know that this moment in your life does not last forever. You will grow up, and you will instill in others, or maybe just yourself, that pride that you were not the one dealing the hate, but that you survived it. You are stronger than any bully, it does not need to be physically, but emotionally also. Bullies are weak and worthless in their actions. Bullies target those that they see as different and threatening to their own character. Bullies are lost and will never be found if they cannot change. You are a warrior.

Here We Go Again

It seems as though my husband just got home from his 12 month deployment to Iraq, and now we are preparing for 15 months in Korea. I am not sad, but I am bummed. We still have six months until he actually leaves, two of which he will be gone for schooling, so we will say four months. But now that the transportation is being scheduled, and the discussions of what will be taken with him are being had I cannot help but think of all of the things he is going to miss once again.

Last years Halloween was the second one he had spent with our daughter, she is eight. The birthdays that he missed will be missed again this year, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Groundhogs day, Grandparents day, Secretaries day and more. Alright, half of those are not important, nor could I tell you the dates of them. For my children though my heart hurts a bit at the fact that he will not be here.

I am so very thankful though for technology right now, Skype of course is our way of communication when he is away, and I fully understand that many do not have that blessing. And of course the fact that he will be in Korea and not Afghanistan is weight lifted off of my shoulders, and although he is not happy that he will not be doing a tour in Afghanistan I cannot help but be thankful.

The biggest difference this time around is I will be moving home. Due to some complications out of my control I will be leaving my amazing new home and moving closer to my family. I am getting excited about seeing everyone and being able to have the support, but as any military wife will tell you it just is not the same.

I saw a sign the other day that read 'You know you’re a military wife when your neighbors have never met or seen your husband', that is more true than I can explain. While moving home is great, it lacks the true understanding of what it is like to see your husband two years in the past five and a half. It lacks the true understanding of a wife tearing up when she sees a dad with his children at the grocery store. It lacks the true understanding of holding your breath when you hear of helicopter crash or death of a military member on the news. For these reasons and more I will miss this home so very much.

I thank God that we have three children that are more and more flexible as the years go on. My husband and I have always said we would make the most out of any where we go and our children have followed that path. The fact of the matter is that our children are use to things being given to them and then just as quickly ripped away. At least once every two weeks one of my children will come home with frosting on their face and I will ask them if they have had yet another birthday in their class and more times than not they will answer no. The cupcakes are brought by the children on the last day they will be there. My children make friends and then lose friends, they get comfortable with a doctor and then the doctor gets reassigned, they get use to having dad home and he is gone again. And yet, they move on.

I spoke with a woman in the commissary the other day that had married her husband nine months ago and that was when she became a military spouse. Her husband was immediately assigned to Korea and she had been here with her two boys alone the whole time. She was ready for him to be home and told me that she was not cut out for the military life. Her last statement to me though I feel proved her own statement wrong. As we said goodbye and I wished her luck she said thank you and that she was one more day ahead of yesterday. That is it right there. No situation is the same, and we all cope differently, but remembering that you can never rewind or slow time down does not hurt in moments like these.  

We have been grateful that my husband has spent the last year very close to home. With little training exercises and schools here on post we have not had to share him too much with the military passed his duty times. I am grateful for this.

So here is to another year apart, and to all the times we have had together in this past year. Here is to all of the other families that are much worse off than us, and to the families that will say goodbye many more times. Here is to my friends that I have made in this lifestyle that will understand more than others. And here is to the moments that have been taken away forever.

Why Hello Reality

There are points in my life that I just feel are a waste of time. Points in my life like crying over a call with the cable company, not because I had to call them or because I am mad because my service is horrible, it is, but that is not the point. The reason is that I have just gotten off of the phone with the phone company, the child care center, the internet provider and none of which were  any help. So now at this point the poor schmuck on the line with the cable company has just unleashed my waterfall of tears for no apparent reason. That point has been reached that I am now wasting my time getting upset over something that is meaningless.

And there it is.... reality. What I would not give to be 5 again. To not understand what reality truly is, or that there is even a word REALITY. I can nap still if I want and if I see someone crying I can just make a strange face and go on my merry way, picking my nose if I please.

Not now, reality is alive and kicking me when I am down at certain times.

I have a great life, children who for the most part are well behaved and have a passion for being kind to others, a husband that is a military man that has so much pride in his career. I have friends that I could have never found in the civilian world, and a job outlook that is bright. And then I am greeted by Frank, from the middle east; that is not what bothers me, I do not mind that most of the time I cannot understand him, what bothers me, is that he is no help. Reality, that is what they should say when they answer the phone, "Hello, thank you for calling and get ready for a swift kick of reality." These are all things that we all expect, and nothing that is to get upset about, but this situation multiplied by all of the other phone calls I have made today makes me just plain feel old. I now understand my mother's mild insanity when it comes to bills. (Kidding mother.)

To tell you the truth I do not think it is even the bills that can make a person go insane it is just life. Maybe you made that phone call after a bad day at work, or after you got terrible news. Maybe you made that phone after you stubbed your toe, or realized you put eye liner on as lip liner. It is just life. I feel like they should just bundle the issues we deal with like they do our phone service. That way next time you call and speak with Frank, he can just get it all out of the way for you at once, "Hello, and thank you for calling. Today we will discuss your child's grades, why you are always out of gas, that you do not get a vacation, all of the innocent people killed by selfish others, the war, and let's not forget that you are being charged $39.95 per minute for this phone call. So let's start with your name." Then, after all of this you can cry and not feel so bad about it.

I know it may seem as though I have lost my mind. The truth is I am just taking the long way to get my point. Reality sucks. It is an ugly thing, and yet has so many beautiful outcomes. In these simple times that seem to weigh so heavy on us, remember that it is okay to cry. Sometimes your body may just be screaming for a release, and it may come out at the strangest times. There are always situations that are going to hurt or frustrate us, but the fact is that if you are crying or mad, you are in fact alive. You are here one more day dealing with reality, and just remember that you have a lot of seconds in your life, but tomorrow is not a guarantee. So cry, but make sure that you do not only see the harsh sides of reality, but cry at the beautiful moments too.

Is Being a Mom Really For Me?

As I sit here and type this up, my youngest child is crying that he is going to “clean!” There are two problems with this; first, it is nap time…. so cleaning is not even on my mind right now and second he fails to ever clean when told too. Now he just turned three so I do give him some leeway in the cleaning department, but of course he is suppose to clean up after himself, just not when he is suppose to be sleeping. As of right now he has made 4 bathroom trips, fallen off the couch twice, made up three songs, put on a pair of shoes, and even told me to make sure that he is not doing anything wrong….. sigh.

Sometimes I wonder if being a stay at home mom is really the job for me, or being a mom at all. Do not judge me, we all have these feelings. Not that I would ever trade my children in, most of the time at least, and I would never give up the life that I have for anything. That does not mean that there are not natural frustrations to go along with parenting.

It is like every time that I buy something for my husband and my middle son tells him that we did NOT buy him… exactly what it was. Or if we use a public restroom and the children have to narrate EVERYTHING that is going on. My son asked me today at the grocery store why that woman looks like a man. Really? And it seems as though when these types of situations happen they are not just a setback in the day, but a notice that this is the theme for the entire rest of the day.

I know all of those parents out there can think of at least one situation that your child/children have said or done something that made you sweat in public without you having to do anything physical. Or even those without children, seeing things happen in stores or restaurants that make you wonder what the heck is going on here! We have all been there, no matter how well behaved your children are, there are always those moments.

My daughter is famous for correcting me when I am telling a story, as if I am lying about the entire thing. She is shy the entire time, unless I make a mishap in recalling a story. She also loves to remind me of how bad my memory is and how I forget everything. At least I think that is what she tells me.

My middle son is famous for being overly emotional. He cries whenever we have to leave a friend’s house, or if he has to eat something that he does not like, which is not much. It is not a normal temper tantrum cry though, it is as if you just broke is heart.

And then there is my youngest son. The one that began this blog… he has relocated from the couch to the floor next to me, after yet another bathroom break of course. Oh yes, my youngest, he is child in his own.

So do I truly wish that I was not a mom? No, these children are my lives, and although they have many times that I wonder what in the world they are doing I would never trade those times for the oh so many times of laughter and love. Because thankfully my children are not always this way, and more than anything they are all full of compassion.

My daughter is truly famous for her brain and her heart. She loves to give away her toys to children that are less fortunate, and calls her younger brothers sweetie or honey if they are upset.

My middle son is a character, he loves to make others laugh and is the first one to give hugs and kisses. He will randomly walk out just say I love you, and is never afraid to share.

And then there of course is my youngest, who right now is break dancing in front of me, as though he is invisible. He is famous for his ability to make us all laugh so hard. Although sometimes he creates frustration, when it is all said and done, it is always hard to stay serious. He is always full of cuddles, and great at melting your heart.

Parenthood. It is a great journey and a wonderful test of patience, and overall a great way to see life through the innocent mind of a child.

Rules

I love this life, I love this home, I love this tradition. I am starting to think though, that I do not love the rules. I do not mean the rules that state that we cannot ride our bikes without a helmet, or a motorcycle without all of the protective gear on. I am also not speaking of the fact that we cannot park our camper in our driveway, or that we are not aloud to change the oil on our cars in our driveways. Strangely none of these bother me all that much, well maybe that camper one. Seriously, it's just a camper! (I will save that for another blog) Anyways, what does bother me is that here I am in a life that I love, and rules that really are not that bad, and yet the one that I cannot control is the one I hate the most, death.

You see all of the posts on Facebook with the photos of the wife at the graveside and the transparent soldier holding her, or the child receiving the flag at his fathers funeral. We all look and get sad, sometimes shed a tear, but that is about as far as it goes. I was reading the newspaper the other weekend, and it had pictures of families releasing balloons, all of them there for the same reason; they had lost a loved one in war. I have made mention of the many funerals that I have witnessed at the end of the street where the Chapel is, but it was not until I saw this picture that it really sank in. There were so many people, so many wives, children, mother's, father's, husband, and friends. There have been so many lives lost not only in the hands of the enemies, but in the hearts of the families.

We as Army wives sit and wait a lot of the time. We are left alone, and here to deal with the issues of everyday life. We cry at night after the busy day is over, and we pray to ourselves that our loved ones are brought home safe. The part that I cannot wrap my head around though is that we cannot help those who have lost. The fact of the matter is that no matter how much you do for a family that has been dealt this horrific hand, the one thing they need you cannot give them. They need to know why, they need to feel the warmth of the one that was taken away, they need to be able to instil in their children why daddy is never coming home again, and the strength to not break down when the kids sob in sorrow.

I understand that we came into this lifestyle with the understanding that not everyone will come home in one piece, or at all for that matter. And for those of you that are against the war, or military, or do not appreciate those that have served I want you to read that again. We all came into this lifestyle with full understanding that you may die, your loved one may not come home, and that your children may never see one of their parents again. And yet here we are, living this lifestyle. Strange, how different it seems typing it as apposed to living it. Never would I sit and think it is all that special to live this life, and I still do not see my family as anything special in itself. And yet when I look at those families who have lost, those families that have given the ultimate sacrifice, I am set back for a moment on how real this lifestyle is.

So here I sit all sappy in my husbands chair. Maybe it is because I am tired, maybe it is because there are soldiers deploying by the handful right now, or maybe it was that picture. But I am so thankful that I have lived this lifestyle, I am so thankful that I got to experience the ups and downs, and highs and lows. I am thankful that I get to see the sorrow of the families that have lost; I do not like that they have, but I appreciate that I can understand without ignorance the true honor that it is to live beside these men and women.

I know that in the end it is God that makes the rules of why these things are happening. I also understand that those who have chose to take the lives of the innocent are those of the Devil. But I am hoping that one day, I can make a rule like those that made the rule against my camper sitting in my driveway to just bring understanding and happiness to the families of the lost.

Thank you to those who serve and have served this amazing country. And to the families that have lost, and sacrificed day after day. 

I'm Stuck

I have been sending my resume out for about a week now, and have been to interviews already and still have more to come. I get really excited to think about the job that I am interviewing for and the fact of being back out in the workforce. Then I lay in bed at night, and think about how I have to leave my children with someone else, and I lose my thunder.

It is so hard to think about leaving my children, and yet it is hard to not be working. I know that there are many stay at home moms that feel this way, but is it really so hard???

At this point I have been a stay at home mother for three years now, I have been able to raise my youngest since he was born. I have not been to a real job in three years, and I have not missed any school functions in three years. I was there for my middle child's first day of Preschool, and my daughters Kindergarten graduation. There is no calling in when my children are sick, and no worrying about being late when my hair is not working out. I can make a fool of myself while "working" and no one will know. Well unless my children tell, which is normally how it works out.

When I worked I was able to get away. Now as a parent you know that we love our children dearly, but having some adult conversations can get you through just about anything. I felt a sense of power because I was important to people that were not related to me. I was not only staying home being a mother, but I was going to work everyday then coming home and finishing up the day with my family. And not to mention the paycheck... it was not much, but it was a paycheck. I was contributing to my family and to the income that supported us.

Then of course there is the dreaded daycare. Not only the stress of finding one that you are comfortable with, but also one that you can afford. Is it really worth it in the end, if I am merely breaking even? They are getting the experience of being around other children. They are also exposed to education that we may not provide at home.

So here I am... I'm stuck. Which direction do I go? Do I hand my children over to someone else to care for just so that I may enter back into the adult world? Do I hand my children over to someone else to care for just so that I can make a few extra bucks? Do I hand my children over to someone else to care for just so that I may feel the sense of importance?

I guess we will see where this journey takes me, but for now I will tend to my children. I will enjoy every ounce of love that they carry, and all of the lessons that they are not only learning, but also teaching me as well.

Red Rover

“Green light!”

“Red Light!”

“Gotcha!”

My children and husband were on our way home from the park one evening and after a short race with the kids, my husband asked if they wanted to play ‘Red light, green light’, to both his and my surprise they did not know what that game was.

I watched for a few minutes, in awe of how lucky I am to have a husband who adores our children enough to spend his extra time teaching them a silly game. I also got thinking to myself how sad it is that there a lot of children who have no idea how to play that game, or know how to fish, or have any idea what an encyclopedia is.

Do not get me wrong, I love technology(hence the blog), but I also feel that it is so much more important to equipped our children with the lessons that we learned as children, and maybe add a 20^th century twist to it.

For example, get off your butts and get outside. How you say it to your children is up to you, but let us remember that before shipping our small children outside by themselves, we need to remember that we are in the new age of technology. There are people out there that can find us very easy and very quickly, there are people out there that can get on a computer and find which street houses the most children. And then pray on them. I live on a military installation, and much to my surprise children run freely around the neighborhoods, small children. Now I know I have touched base on this before, but once again we are all human, just because we live the military life does not mean that each and every one of us is purely good. So remember when telling your children to head outside, join them. Protect them, while teaching them simple games that you played as a child. Join them for a game of soccer, or a nice round of tag.

And then there are video games, and all of the controversy that goes along with them. I have to admit, I am not a fan of letting my children play games all the time. And I do feel as if playing violent games shows influential children that it is okay or “cool” to act in certain ways. I am not going to get too far into that, since we all have our different opinion, and I will respect them all. But maybe if we could take an hour of that free time and just spend time with our children. Let them know that we are still there for them, even if just to force them to spend time with us. (Kidding) I feel as though if they feel as though we are paying attention to them they are going to think twice before making questionable choices.

Manners. This is a big one to me. I feel as though respect has gone down the tubes. You cannot go to McDonalds without getting attitude, as if they did not want you to show up in the drive –thru that day. If you have a job, whether it be handing out fries, or signing paychecks, be thankful. The point is you have a job, you are alive, and you are surrounded by others. Show some respect. As parents we need to instill this into our children young, so focus on being overly polite. Not only does it show great respect for your children to follow, but it also makes those around us feel good. Pay it forward through manners.

Playing outside without all of the toys; my children have a ton of toys, and I am not saying that spending money to get them the toys is wrong, but I also feel as though seeing our children imagination through nature is very inspiring. Many do this already, but if not try it out; Take your children outside, or to a nature park, plan to spend a good 2 hours there. Let them just play. Using their imaginations will show you just how amazing they really are, and how simple life can be.

I understand that we are in a new age, and I am by no means against that. I could also probably go on and on what I feel is right and wrong, but I do it with the understanding that that does not make me right, or wrong. We all have our opinions, and should be open to others. Look around today and just realize what you have and how great life really is. Enjoy the little things. Maybe even go outside and play Red Rover.

Madyson's Story

My daughter Madyson is a wonderful and beautiful child. She reads and writes all the time and I would love to share some of her stories with you. Here is her latest.

A puppy is lost in Africa. She is in Africa to see lions. Lions are scary. Really Scary. The puppys name was Princess. Princess is a chocolate lab.

Princess was lost in Africa for 16 days until a girl named Leana came to Africa. Leana was a nice girl, she fed Princess, she gave Princess water. Princess loved it.

One day an airplane came to pick up Leana. Princess was very, very sad. She did not want Leana to leave. Leana did not want to leave either, but she had to go home.

Leana told the airplane driver to come back in April. It was January. Princess was happy.

In February Princess and Leana ate mangos, apples, and kiwi. It was good.

In March they ate kiwi, oranges, and salad. That was good too.

In April they ate mangos, apples, and kiwis again. But at the end of April Leana had to leave. She said bye to Princess and left.

In July Leana came back with her family to see Princess. Princess was so so happy to see Leana. Leana was happy to see Princess.

THE END.

Hitting it head on.

It has been a while since I have written a blog. Many of those who know me know that my middle child has been having some health problems. Throughout the doctor’s visits, and hospital stays I try and stress to others that he has something wrong, but it is not serious. It never became an issue that I felt really needed to be stressed until we began visiting a children’s hospital to see a specialist.

The hospital is amazing; it was built and designed specifically for children. The most amazing thing though is all of the children there. I understand not all of them are there for serious issues, but it does not change the fact that they are there. Many of them are there day after day, week after week. I thank God that my child is only there so often and yet I thank God for allowing me to see the children that are seriously ill, and have the strength of warriors. They are only children, but are enduring much more than many adults with ever endure.

My child stayed in the hospital overnight for a procedure that was being done the following day. After being discharged the next afternoon, we road in the elevator with a lady that had a bag full of clothes from her daughter that was staying in the hospital. She asked how the stay was and what he was there for. She said she was curious because the floor was mainly full of children all with a similar type of illness. I wish I could remember what the name of the illness was, but it was hard to focus when all I could think was how bad I felt. Here I was walking out after 24 hours with my child, up and around going home. The woman was heading home to do laundry and spend time with her other four children, since she has been in and out of the hospital with her daughter for the past 11 months. Her daughter was only a year and a half old, and yet the mother seemed so strong. It was life, these were the cards they were dealt, and she was handling it the best she could.  

I wanted to hug her, I wanted to cry for her, I wanted to take the illness from her daughter for a day and let them just be normal for that short time. All of the children, I wish I could just make it better, I wish I could just let all of them know that they are amazing and strong… amazingly strong.

I have three children, three healthy children. Although sometimes I would like to trade them in, or even just give them away.(Especially today in the bank, but that is a whole other blog.) They are my wonderful children. I do not know how I would react if they ever fall victim to a serious illness or disease, or if I were to ever lose any of them. But seeing these children and their parents, I realized that life is too short to worry about what is to come, it is here for the taking. Cherish the moments we have together, the sunny days, and the calming rain. Be strong in the moments that we need to be, and do not feel ashamed to give in to emotions at times also.

Recently I was contacted by a woman asking to name her blog in mine to have others check her out. I was so happy to hear that she is a contributor on the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance Blog. Her name is Melanie Bowen and she is an advocate for natural health and cancer patients. I think it is great that she hits the issues head on and gives great advice on staying as healthy as you can. I am attaching the link to her page on Mesothelioma.com, but I ask that you check the whole website out as it gives not only great support but also news of things going on in everyday life.

I hope that after you have read this blog you will look around at the life you are living and cherish it a bit more. We will all face something in our lives that we think may break us, but never forget that others are hitting their fears head on with not only fear, but also courage.

http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/melanie/

I came upon this dog.

It seems as though pets these days are becoming more and more like children. Pets have their own human like beds, outfits that match the mood or weather, and more accessories than even I. I am not one to judge, and to be honest, I think it is cute, and shows that you care. Although for me, they are a pet, and along with a lot of love, I treat them as so.

For myself, when we moved to this Army post, I decided that I for sure was going to get a dog. One, because in general I just love animals, but also for when we were left without a man in the house.

I started out with a puppy, that bit and shredded my children’s skin and clothes. We then got an older puppy that we loved, but needed a friend. On a whim I saw a listing for a two year old dog that is very, very shy. This dog had been abused and did not seem to trust humans. I have a soft spot for any animal that needs help, but bringing a dog into my house around my children is always a nerve racking experience, especially a dog that is iffy of humans. I went anyways and picked this dog up, a little shocked at what I saw. She, the dog, was a lot bigger than I was expecting, and extremely scared.

In the days to follow she would not come near anyone, and if let outside it was a trick to get her come back into our home. We found out that she was sick with many different things ranging from double ear infections, to severe allergies, and also a skin infection. She has had stones in her stomach, ring worm, and also hair loss. Really? This was not exactly what I thought we were getting when getting a family pet.

Long story short we nursed her back and did not give up on making her part of our family. She slowly began to come around more and more, and before we knew it, she was playing with us. Although it seemed as though she had never really played, since she was and still is very awkward with it. Walking was always a trick since she would panic and hide whenever anyone or anything came near.

Let me put this into more of a perspective for you, she is a 100 pound chocolate lab, who at the time we got her, was flabby and very unhealthy. She now 2 years later is still around 100 pounds, and still has flab, but also a ton of muscle. So when she panics during a walk, or really anything, she makes it very difficult to regain control.

Slowly but surely she moved her way into our family and into our hearts. But it was not until my husband deployed that she became my saving grace.

It seems as though my ears became amazingly sensitive when my husband left, I could hear for miles. Maybe not miles, more like inches away from me, but still seemed amazing to me. Over a 12 month period, I do not think I slept more than a few hours of broken up sleep a night. Not to mention the neighborhood we live in was having a peeping tom problem, and also it seemed as though any weirdo’s (sorry if your reading this) in our neighborhood decided to continually stop by the house. I tried everything from moving the vehicles around, to speaking about my husband as though he was home whenever around strangers to make it seem as though I was not alone. I slept with a tire knocker under my pillow and checked on the children numerous times throughout the night. It is exhausting to continually be on alert for a murderer that is about to break in and take your life, or at least exhausting to just think these things.

I would let my dog sleep with me on and off during the time that my husband was gone, but it was not until a housing office member came into the house that I realized she was a protector. The man walked in to do a routine housing inspection, and the dog stood in front of myself and the children and watched the man until he walked out the door. Now this may not seem strange for a dog, but for a dog that seems to be afraid of a fart (yes I said it), let alone a strange man, it was great for me to see.

She began sleeping in bed with me, not only for the protection of her being close, but also for the fact that there was another body in the bed. Now only those of you that have a significant other that leaves for long periods of times will understand that. Sometimes it is nice to have a bed of your own, but after a night or two it becomes hard to sleep without that other body in bed with you. Thankfully my big dog took that place.

I know it all sounds crazy, but thinking of how I came upon this dog that needed help and ended up having her help me seems like such a blessing. There is no way that I would have gotten any sleep during this deployment if I had not had her watching over us. She went from being a scared odd acting dog, to a lover and protector of our family. I truly believe that God brought us together to keep each other safe, and sane.

And yes, she has her own sweatshirt now.

Bucket List

My bucket list: Here is a small list of things that I wish to do before the Lord takes me. I hope you can read this and inspire yourself to step out and begin or complete your list.

1.)    Write a book. I am sure there are a lot of people out there with this same dream. The difference is they probably have some experience. Past this blog… well that’s it, that is all of my experience is writing. I do not even feel as though I need it to be published, although it would be nice, I just want to have the accomplishment.

2.)    Hike with my children over night. I feel as though a lot of families these days use the technology to complete their days. I want my children to enjoy the free gifts that I had as a child. We camped and road bikes, went for walks and fished. We were outside a lot, and spent a lot of time as a family. Hoping that my children have memories more than just the TV and video games, I will make a point to get them outside and moving.

3.)    Donate art to homeless veterans. I know that sounds crazy; there are hundreds of veterans that have gone homeless, and a lot of it contributes to fighting in wars in their lives. Coming out of the military with only having training of killing, does not make it easy to get a job these days. So to give them a small token of art to keep with them, while they struggle with everyday events, seems like a small gift to let them know that they are appreciate for what they have done.

4.)    Take my children to donate toys to sick children. I again want my children to have certain values. One is knowing that they are lucky in life. I also want them to know that giving will always be more than receiving. Being able to bring happiness into the life a child that has battled so much is something that I want to make sure and cross off of my list over and over again.

5.)    Run a marathon. I feel as though we try and live a healthy lifestyle, although we stray from here to there. But I would love to complete a full marathon, in hopes that someday we can run one as a family. I would love to be able to complete the Breast Cancer 3 day walk.

6.)    Get a sleeve. That is right all, tattoos. Shocker right, a military wife with tattoos! I have some already, but I think there is a beauty in women with them. I have also decided that we live once, and no matter what others think or stereotypes that are made, I will do things that make me happy.

7.)    Instill manners into my children. I was once told by a friend that she should have taught her child at a young age to say please and thank you, like I had mine. Do not get me wrong, my children have to be reminded to say it, but they say it. I feel as though, manners have gone out the door these days. I cannot go through a drive thru it seems and not get an ornery person at the window. So my husband and I have made it a point that our children treat others with manners, no matter what they are doing.

8.)    Own a Harley. No, I have never driven a motorcycle. But I think that they are beautiful pieces of machinery. I have also rode with my brother and felt freer than I had ever felt. Hoping to ride across country with my husband someday.

9.)    Learn sign language. I feel as though knowing another language is important. I also feel as though sign language is something that we should learn at an early age. That is something that is not chosen to ‘have’ to speak, and I feel as though it would benefit many to know sign language.

10.) Say thank you to all that have served, and continue to do so. There are many that agree and disagree with the things that go on in the war today. Whether you agree or disagree just remember that these heroes have been through more than most. They are fighting for us to be able to argue or praise what is being done. It is simple to just say thank you, and let them know that they are not forgotten.

11.) Never stop making a bucket list. I will continue to add to my list, and make sure that I start knocking things off. I plan on living at least another 80 years, or more, so I have plenty of time to complete it. The faster I knock things off though, the more things I can accomplish. Do not forget that these years go fast, it is easy to sit and get into a routine, but get up and do something you have not done before. Then do another, again and again.

My love Affair With My iPhone

I was reading an article in this month’s Military Spouse magazine, talking about how we are in love with our iPhones. The author then goes on to state how she realized at that moment that military spouses are literally in love with their phones.

The study says that we are not addicted to the phones as once thought; as compared to the addiction to caffeine, or cocaine, but that rather we are in love with our phones as compared to loving another human being. I did some research of my own and found an article that explains in a little more detail for those of you interested in digging deeper into the frenzy.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/01/opinion/you-love-your-iphone-literally.html

I stated in a previous blog that I could take technology or leave it. I am not going to lie, I enjoy a nice game of Angry Birds, or the freedom to search the internet while driving down the street. (My husband driving at the time, of course.) To feel as though I am addicted, I really do not feel as though I am. If I had to choose something on my phone to keep, I would have to say texting is the one thing that I truly enjoy. I can have conversations with people, and yet not feel as though I am stuck on the phone unable to do other things at the same time. Let’s face it though nobody is addicted to texting, right?? (Insert sarcasm.)

Along with blogging already about the freedom from technology, I had also stated that I 100% understand and feel blessed that I was able to have contact with my husband while he was deployed to Iraq. I will never take away the hardships that families must go through spending weeks without hearing from their loved ones.

Until I read this article in Military Times though, I never really understood at what level those in the military truly depend on our cell phones. At the moments that my husband was deployed or even gone on training expeditions, I never left the house without my phone, or at least not very often. If I did happen to walk out without it, or leave it at the bottom of my purse while in the grocery store I would panic for a minute, worried that I had missed his call. Even though they had explained to us at a briefing to not stress if we miss a call, they stated that the reality is there would be more. But in the situation that we were in I was worried that we may not get another call.

So I would say that for those times that my husband is away, especially the past 12 months, I was truly in love with my phone. I was in love with the voice I heard on the other end, I was in love with the emails I would get to read on the go, and I was in love that for a moment that phone reassured me that he was safe for right then. So thank you iPhone, you were a great love affair to have for a short time in my life.