Heavy Heart

Sometimes I feel as though we go through our days never really understanding why we do what we do. It seems as though days can be routine, and never respected in its full. Taking it for granted would be the proper way to explain it.

Living this lifestyle has taught me so much. It has taught me that there is a line to be drawn when it comes to respect. It has taught me that some days seem longer than others, but everyday that you wake up as a whole family is a great day. It has taught me that nothing is a sure thing, and sometimes in life you truly do not get a choice of which direction your life is going in. One thing though that I have learned in this journey is that there are many days that I am filled with a heavy heart, and that is okay.

It seems as though death is all around us, military or civilian. Sadness is something that is inevitable, even if we think we are made of stone. The hard part for me is watching those that only see sadness in their own lives. I understand that we all have troubles, and I by no means am saying that we should not feel sorrow for ourselves. It is the lack of feeling towards others that weighs heavy on my heart.

One thing that is a sad routine is the routine of loss. In the almost three short years that I have lived on an Army post, there have been many funerals. Another routine that I have noticed is that there are spouses that show no remorse for the families of the ones lost.

It may be the time of year, with holidays and celebrations that are coming up. I just feel as though these are the times that we need to truly come together and show those that have been through those times, that we all pray never happens to us, that they are not alone. Showing compassion for others is something that I wish everyone would demonstrate. I feel as though the ones that have made it through this life of not-knowing forget that others were lost in the road to freedom.

Never take for granted what you have, and never forget that others may not be so lucky. Take extra time out of your day to show others that you have a heavy heart. Let others know that it is okay to feel sad for one another; because it is showing an understanding that you realize in the midst of love there is loss, and sometimes we are the ones that need to show compassion for the ones that have lost. We are in this together, life as a whole, so do not hesitate to help your neighbor. We should not be afraid to show emotions for others sadness. Open our hearts and our ears to the stories of those around us, and to the questions that others have. Teaching is a skill, but learning is a gift.

I hope that you find yourself in the position of showing a heavy heart for others, and not having a heavy heart these holidays for sorrow of your own. If you do though, do not forget that you are not alone, and with tough times comes lessons learned, maybe not just for you but for those willing to open their heart to your sadness also.

Let us not forget...

I think we all tend to take the holidays for granted sometimes. Sometimes I think that we truly miss the true meaning of why we have these celebrations in the first place.

For me this began a few years ago. Even with children, I just felt as though the holidays were such a selfish time of year. A time that people wanted to use as a chance to get the gifts that they have wanted; and a reason to complain about the friends and family that we really do not want to be around. Trust me; we all have at least one in our lives.

Last year was different though. With my husband being deployed the holidays were up to me to make sure that the children were not affected too much by his absence. We were blessed enough to have my parents for Thanksgiving, but Christmas was to be spent as just a family.

One of the biggest lessons that I took away from spending this past year a world apart from my husband, is that we truly got away from the real meaning. It is, anyways Christ's birthday right? That was the problem that I had found myself in, although I made it clear that this was a celebration of his life, my children had no idea who 'he' was. And what his word was truly about.

It is difficult with children of such young ages, and mine had never really been involved in a church setting long enough to really get it. So, it was my goal to make sure that they truly understood. I started by decorating the house in a festive, and inviting way. I then expressed over and over what Christmas really stood for. Part of understanding the celebration part was also understanding that although they receive gifts from Santa, that there are still children that are not so fortunate. So taking the understanding of the meaning of Christmas, my next goal was to instill in my children that Christ wants us to be kind and thoughtful of those around us.

My children have been taught that if they want Santa to bless them with gifts this special time of year, we must thank Christ in a way of helping others. They are to donate toys that they are no longer using, and some that just make too much noise. (They need new homes also.) This also includes their old clothes and winter apparel. They are to give away with the understanding that some families are not as lucky as ours. And we should be thankful for all that we have.

In the name of Christ’s birth we should help to bless others also. I hope that my children understand that with the many celebrations that they are present for, and the many gifts that they are surprised by on Christmas morning that they have helped do their part to help bless others.

This year though, I feel as though we have been blessed in so many more ways. My husband has returned safely and will be with us to celebrate this very special day. We were whole this year when my children donated boxes of toys to families that needed them. And we will be whole to celebrate a new year, knowing that he is home to stay for a while.

Let us not forget the true meaning of this wonderful time of year. Let us not forget that although we may not enjoy some of the extra things that come with it, we are alive and are blessed enough to have family and friends around to spend time with. Let us not forget that some will be one parent short this year. Let us not forget that some will spend this special day as the first without and spouse and/or parent for the rest of their lives. Let us not forget to be kind to those around us, even if we feel as though they may not truly deserve it. Let us not forget the true meaning of this time of year, and carry in his name the kindness that he would hope upon us all.

Lastly have a very Merry Christmas. And for those of you who do not celebrate this special time of year, have a wonderful and safe holiday season, for it is a great time to show your appreciation for others around you.

She is proud that she can be here when he walks through that door.

I would like you to meet a woman that I have met recently. She is a fellow Army wife, and a wonderful woman. I had her answer some questions for me and have put them into a blog for all of you to read.

Her name is Dawn Honsky, and she is from Poughkeepsie, New York. She has three beautiful girls, Kaylee 14, Alexandria 4, and Olivia 1. She has been a military spouse for six years. Her husband has served both in the Army and Marine Corps.

Dawn’s husband has been deployed now to Afghanistan for 8 months, and she is reaching the end of the deployment journey. This is the point that things start to get hard. Many soldiers have lost their lives where he is at, and even in the unit he is with. As she nears the end, she says that she worries more and more about her husband returning safely. Dawn fears that her story will turn into one with the finish line so close, but it is taken from their grasps in an instant.

Many of the questions that come to mind when I think of having the ability to read the mind of a military spouse, is whether or not we are truly different from the outside world. Whether or not military families and civilians are really all that different. I asked Dawn if she felt as though there was a big difference between military families and civilian families. The way of life is different she exclaimed, civilians try to compare themselves, but the emotional side is hard to understand. Civilian families will never fully understand the emotional toll that living this lifestyle truly takes. Dawn’s oldest daughter, Kaylee, understands the situation much more than the younger girls. When she senses her mom is worried about her dad she keeps her feelings to herself, as teenagers often do. Alexandria, her middle child, is having the toughest time of them all. She is daddy’s little girl, and having him taken away for a year is hard for her to understand, but if she senses mommy is feeling down she tries to lift her spirits as a four year old can do. Olivia, the youngest is just a doll. She is at an age that she cannot truly understand why this man is in and out. Although with Dawn and her husband’s patriotic ways she will grow up, as they all will, with the utmost respect for any and all military.

I asked Dawn what she misses the most about living a more ‘stable’ lifestyle, she said one of the things she misses most is having her true support systems with her. Her friends and family from back home. At times when emotions run high, and any military spouse can understand that can be at any time, she finds it easiest to just block it out and try and move on with her day and stay strong for her children. Without that normal stable support system, military spouses have to deal with situations that those in the civilian lifestyles may not understand.

The reality of it is that moments cross our minds when you think that this may not be a forever gig; I am not talking about the fact of not re-enlisting, or retiring from service. A moment for Dawn that really made this set in was when she and her husband had to fill out their will in testament before he deployed. It puts life into perspective that planning for the future is not always a guarentee.

While home visiting family and friends this past summer, she thought to herself that if, “God forbid”, something happen to her husband would this be where she would be? Would anyone ever marry a woman who has three children and the love of her life taken by the hands of freedom? Dawn would never in a normal situation think about a life without her husband, but when you are in the military and 'til death do us part' comes sooner than expected sometimes the thoughts cross your mind, the what ifs. The truth of it is she says, is that she walks by her window every morning praying that she will never see those three men standing at her door, “I dread having my doorbell ring”, she says.  Dawn, as many do, hope that their 'what ifs' will never be answered.

As Dawn and I sat at her dining room table, discussing the questions that I had prepared for her, I could not help but notice all of her Marine Corps pictures and such on the wall behind her. It is hard not to look at anything patriotic, but you can tell it was placed on these walls with pride. She answered my thoughts when I asked if there was a way, or anything that she could say that portrayed her feelings toward her husband and the things that he has accomplished in his career. It was simple, display his life. His military life is something that her husband keeps quiet about; he does not feel as though he has done anything special or needs to be validated in any way. This is Dawn’s silent way of saying thank you; letting her husband and all that walk through the door of her home know that this is the house of a hero. It will grow larger and larger as his Army career grows, as she is proud of him no matter what uniform he walks through that door in. Just as long as at the end of this journey he does in fact, walk through that door.

His name is Chris Honsky, he is from Gouverneur, New York. He is a Sergeant in the United States Army, and between the Army and Marines he has almost 15 years of honorable military experience. He serves with pride and will always live the lifestyle of a Marine. He has a wonderful family that is more proud of him than any I have met so far. Chris has a wife who stays strong when she may feel broken, and children who will forever have a hero.

Dawn is a strong woman, wife, and mother. I appreciate her letting me dig into her head and share just a tiny piece of her life story. I thank her husband for his services, and pray for his safe return.

The world we all share.

Sometimes I wonder how exactly we got to this point in our lives. Going from living in a small town with family all around us, to this. Sometimes I wonder why we have put ourselves, and our children into a lifestyle that is nothing if not inconsistent. And then sometimes I wonder how we have been so blessed to be in this position. How many civilian families get to live the way that we do. I am not speaking money terms either, do not get me wrong we have a paycheck coming in, but we are nowhere near making the big bucks.

What I am talking about is the emotional side of the military life. There are many difficult emotions that families such as ours have to deal with. Children go long periods of time without two parents, and some even without either. Spouses have to try and keep it together living thousands of miles apart. And sometimes there has to be that explanation of why our loved ones will never be seen again. The list could go on and on. Right now though, I am talking about the wonderful emotions.

It is not easy having your loved one gone for months at a time, and sometimes to places that you are not sure if they will come back from. But nobody understands the blessing that we have from being reunited. There really is no way for me to even describe it, no words can get anywhere near the feeling. Then there is the feeling of pride. My husband has done some pretty amazing things, and will do so many more before this journey is over. We are able to see places that we would have never even dreamed of seeing. Places that I did not even know existed. There are relationships that you build with other families that are like none other. There is an understanding that is not normally vocalized, but is always present.

Sometimes I sit and think about how nice it would be to just have my husband home every night. I think about being able to buy a house that we will live in forever. And not having to worry about my children losing their father in an instant. Then just as easily as those thoughts cross my mind I am reminded that this is the life that we have been led into, and I would not change it for anything in the world.

Do not get me wrong, I understand that the military is not the only lifestyle that lives with situation such as these, but this is just the one I am in. I also understand that there are situations that people are living that are much worse than anything I will ever experience. My heart goes out to all of people that have endured heartache in their lives.

Maybe tonight as you settle down, just look around at the things that you have. The blessings you have been given. If you have dealt, or are dealing with troubled times, just know that it truly does make you stronger. And do not for a minute ever think that you are alone, we all have things under the surface that connects us to the world we all share.

The man I am proud of.

It has been nearly a month that we have been whole again. It still does not seem quite real that he is not leaving right away again.

When it comes to the children it is as if time just lapsed over the whole experience and he never had left. Other than my husband having extra little bodies stuck to his legs, we have all fallen into a great, somewhat normal, routine.

As of now he is on leave so he has been home for nearly two weeks now. Although I love it, I am curious to see how things will go once he goes back to work. It seems as though every time my husband leaves the house the kids worry the entire time if he is coming back. I understand it is normal, and they are just children, but it does not make it any easier to see. I pray that for the kids’ sake we do not have to live through another deployment, although we probably will, I hope it goes as smooth as the last. I think there will be a lot more broken hearts come the next time he leaves again.

When I sit and watch the love that the children have for their dad, or vice versa, it breaks my heart to think of those that were not so lucky. The families whose parent did not make it home, and those families that have heartbreak in their future. Military or not to lose a parent, especially as a child, is something that saddens me to think about.

I thank God every day for bringing my husband home safe. And I pray that in the years to come, he repeat his gift. I also cannot help but thank him for blessing us with a man as wonderful as him. A wonderful husband and a great father. He is a man that protects us, and will stand in front to make sure we are safe. He is a man that gives hugs and kisses when knees are accidentally scraped. He is a man that in a battle I would want to be on my side. And he is a man that cares for his children more than he will ever care for himself. I do not know why I was blessed with this man in my life, but I am thankful for it nonetheless. It warms my heart to think that my sons have him as a role model, and will hopefully strive to fill their father’s shoes. I love to think that my daughter has a dad that she sees as a respectful man, the type of man that she will be blessed with later in life.

I have stated before that I am a very patriotic person, military or not. At this point in my life, I cannot begin to explain how proud I am to be the wife of a soldier like I him. I am proud of the sacrifices that I am not sure I myself would make. I am proud of the soldiers he has helped to become as strong as him. I am proud of the morals he is teaching our children. I am proud that I am sitting here with this man to be proud of.

**I just want to say thank you to all of you that are sticking with me and reading my blogs. Sometimes I find myself lost of what to say, but I appreciate that you are letting me tell the story of our crazy military life. **

Say hello to a stranger.

I know I have touched base on this topic in other blogs before this one, but today it is weighing heavy on my heart once more.

I have bad days; days that I want nothing to do with anyone outside of my home. Days that I just wish I could walk through the store and be invisible, so that I could get what I need without being bothered. I have days that I have mean thoughts run through my head, and maybe for no apparent reason. Sometimes I have days that I want to shut down and just surrender to the world, let it keep walking all over me.

Today is one of those days. Now sometimes these days just show up at my front door unexpectedly and just will not go away. Unfortunately today is a case of being in the path of someone who shows no remorse for others. Now before you think I am being hypocritical, this person is this way on a daily basis. Walking in a path of fire, and not caring who gets burned along the way. I am not going to sit and complain about this one certain person, but instead try and have those types understand what they truly do to others around them.

I have worked many different jobs, in many different types of fields. One thing that never changed was the fact of being courteous to those you are serving. I am finding it hard anymore to walk into McDonalds and get a nice welcome. When I take my children to the doctor’s office I do not even see the eyes of the receptionist, since they will not look up. I have even dealt with caregivers who are nothing of what their job titles portray.

Jobs are hard to come by these days, and I believe that every job is important. So what is it that makes us go to work and treat others this way, and not just work, but everyday life. It seems as though more and more it is much more than one just have a bad day, but that every day is a time to hurt others.

I worked at a dental office for a few years, and we dealt with all types of patients. Some that we saw more than once were from the mental health facility down the road. When they came in they each had a caregiver assigned to them. The sad case was that only one time did I see a worker with them that actually seemed to care. One of the hardest times for me was when a couple patients came in for front teeth extractions. As we moved along with the procedure I explained all the details to the patients. That was when the caregiver stated to me that he does not understand anything and to stop explaining it to him. Now I do not care if you are blind and deaf and have your head cut off. You are physically in front of me breathing, moving; living. Acting as though someone may not have feelings, or understand just because they are in a different state of mind then me or you is absurd. And how dare you work in a field of caring for people, when you clearly do not care at all.

These are situations that break my heart.

I was sitting in church one day, when the pastor stated that as Christians we do not need to go door to door and hand out pamphlets, or try and convert others. We simply live our life as God would want us to. Leading by example. Show others how being kind and respectful of others around you is a great way of living. Now I am not saying that Christians are the only ones that act this way, or that other religions are wrong; to be honest, I do not think that you need to be religious to just be kind. What do you gain from hurting others, whether it be physical or emotional? What do you gain from walking by someone who needs help, just because you do not feel like taking the time?

I know I am not innocent of treating others wrong in my life, but I have learned from my experiences and I have learned from having others hurt me also. As you go through the rest of this week, think about the way you look at others, the way you speak to others. Smile, take an extra breath and say hello to a stranger. If you are upset with someone, make a mends. What are you gaining by being angry? And why live your life unhappy. Because at the end of the day, even if you have hurt just one person or have made just one person unhappy, it is one person too many.

Silent understanding

It is 8:36 p.m. the kids and I are driving around post just wasting time. The entire day has drug by and now it seems as though the minutes are frozen. We have circled the base, not really going anywhere in particular at the moment.

It is now 8:50, and I have decided it is time to finally make our way to our destination. As I pull up a soldier directs me to a parking lot that seems to be in the middle of nowhere. I quickly jump out and get the kids so that I can make sure and catch a couple strangers walking by. I ask if they know where they are going, thankfully they do, and we head towards a building with more soldiers standing outside directing us where to go. The kids and I walk in, and realize that there are already tons of people waiting. We take a seat and enter a new series of anticipation.

Surprisingly the time doesn’t seem to be moving too slow at this point. The children located the snack room and fill up on cookies and juice. The minutes turned into hours, and before we knew it the ceremony is about to begin. Little did I know this was when everything would come to a halt.  They announced that everything would begin in approximately ten minutes, longest ten minutes of my life.

I had not been nervous about anything that was happening, and I was to my surprise very calm. The time had come. Soldier after soldier entered the building lining up into formation. There he was, our soldier, our daddy, our husband. There were over one hundred soldiers, so it seemed as though it took forever for us to be able hold him. The kids had looks on their faces that only military families know about. Priceless looks that somehow understand that it is over, dad is here to stay for a while.

Once they were released from formation, the calm of the crowd was gone and all of a sudden it was a mad dash to find and hug your soldier. We chose at that point to just stay put and let him come to us. He grabbed the older two in a nice swoop, and hugged that year long hug they all had been dreaming about. The baby was next, who did not want to stop hugging and kissing his dad. The dad that has missed too many mile stones of his life, and yet he holds no grudge, because there is a silent understanding.

This is the moment you think you understand, but until you live it you will never fully grasp the true emotions. It is hard to describe, unreal, like a movie, and very very emotional. I can only imagine what it is like for the soldiers themselves to finally be back in their family’s arms.

It has been a few days now that we have been whole again, I am waiting for the day to hit that this does not seem like a dream. I feel as though he will be taking off again, any day now to head back to Iraq. His second home. We will be saying goodbyes again before we know it for training and what not, but nothing compared to this last goodbye.

I thank every service man and woman for giving their time, and lives to serve. To the families that stay home and make sure that they have a home to come back to. And especially to the children, the ones who do not fully understand the extent that they have given up so that they may also live the military life. They are true heroes themselves.

Lessons learned, and tears dried.

You know those days that you think things could not get any better? Those days that at a point you cannot believe you have been blessed for such a moment. We have all had those days, some more than others, but they have been there.

I understand that it is impossible to go through life living day after day as though it could not get any better. We all have our days, days that we feel our shoulders are heavy with burdens. Sometimes we feel as though everyone around us is watching with eyes wide open, just waiting for the next move. Sometimes when these days hit it is hard to get back up. Maybe you feel as though that ever so blessed moment you had before will not return. Maybe you feel as though you do not deserve moments in life that take your breath away.

We all lead different lives, and react to situations differently. The older I get the more I am learning that life is what WE make of it.

I live down the street from a church on post. There are many activities and meetings held by the Army at the church. Another thing, as at many churches, that are held there are memorial services. It breaks my heart every time I see that church fill with soldiers for the reasons that we as military families pray to never deal with. Death. Many of the soldiers killed are very young and either have young children at home, or maybe have not even had the chance to begin a family of their own yet.

These moments have a way of slapping me in the face. Moments like these force me to step outside of myself and look deeply into the life that I have. Three healthy children and a family that loves and supports me. A home to come home to every night and friends to listen to me when I need. It makes it hard to stress over moments that really do not need to be stressed over. Because at the end of it all, I am alive, I get to live to see another day.

Some days I feel as though I am at war with the world. I am angry for reasons that I cannot even explain, maybe just upset at life itself. This may last all day, maybe even slide into a two day rut. What I do not understand is why you would want to go through life this way, day after day. Do not get me wrong, I know that some have health issues that make being happy a hard thing; but to the rest of us let us put it into perspective.

Look around you as you sit and read this. Do you have even just one person in your life that you love more than yourself? Do you have clean clothes on your back? (Answer yes if your clothes are dirty by choice.) Did you have a meal today? Have you had the pleasure of having a breath taking moment?

Sometimes we need a reminder that everyday has something in it that we should feel lucky to have lived. Some families have lost loved ones, just like those of the memorials that I have witnessed far too many of. I cannot explain why some deal with issues that are out of their hands and so heavy on their hearts. I cannot explain why as I sit here and write this someone is losing their life. I cannot even explain to you why I have been given the right to voice my opinions. What I can explain is that we are all living our lives, day by day, moment by moment. We will have things that happen in our lives that we cannot erase or find a reason to be happy. But there is tomorrow. Take those moments and use them for your new today. Lessons learned, and tears dried.

There is no reason to wake up every moment of your life and not live to the full extent of your day. My heart goes out to the families that have lost loved ones, military or not. And I hope that someday, if you have not already, you get your day that you feel it could not get any better. And remember, do not hold grudges and make sure that you say the things to those that you love and care about. We never know when they will be gone, and we too have to struggle to get those happy moments back.

Treat others as you want to be treated.

Going through life is an adventure in itself. There are always going to be situations that arise that you cannot control. One though that I cannot seem to get past is bullying. Children cannot go to school without having to deal with this, and from what I am finding is it does not stop as an adult.

I get that children are going to pick and prod at each other. That they are going to see how far they can push someone’s buttons. As parents though I think we need to really push our children to understand that it does hurt, even if it is not physical. My children are still young enough that it upsets them, but they still want to be friends. And no matter what, unless being physically attacked, I try to have them understand that they need to just be nice. Lead by example, and always stand up for those who are at the other end of the bullying.

The part I cannot figure out though is that once we get past these stages of kids just being kids, it continues into teenage years, and even into adulthood. So whose fault is it? The parents? The children themselves? The world around them? 

I do feel that as parents we are their biggest advocates. We are who they are to listen and learn from. And if it is the children themselves, then we need to stop it at the source. Be aware of what is going on in the world around them. Children are blind to a lot, and yet go through life with eyes wide open, seeing everything. My opinion, is the television shows they watch, the video games that they play, and the things they surf on the internet has a lot to do with them making decisions. 

I am taking this next section from the website, bullyingstatistics.org, to help better understand what exactly we are dealing with:

What is bullying?

Bullying includes behaviors that focus on making someone else feel inadequate, or focus on belittling someone else. Bullying includes harassment, physical harm, repeatedly demeaning speech and efforts to ostracize another person. Bullying is active, and is done with the intention of bringing another person down. It is important to realize that there are different kinds of bullying:

• Physical Bullying: This is the most obvious form of bullying. In this type of bullying, the instigator attempts to physically dominate another teen. This usually includes kicking, punching and other physically harmful activities, designed to instill fear in the one bullied, and possible coerce him or her to do something.
• Verbal Bullying: When someone verbally bullies another, he or she uses demeaning language to tear down another’s self-image. Bullies who use verbal techniques excessively tease others, say belittling things and use a great deal of sarcasm with the intent to hurt the other person’s feelings or humiliate the other teen in front of others.
• Emotional: This is even more subtle than verbal bullying. Teenage bullying that includes emotional methods aims at getting someone else to feel isolated, alone and may even prompt depression. This type of bullying is designed to get others to ostracize the person being bullied.
• Cyber Bullying: Electronic bullying is becoming a very real problem for teens. This type of bullying uses instant messaging, cell phone text messages and online social networks to humiliate and embarrass others. This can be especially devastating to the people being bullied, since they cannot even find a safe place in the virtual world.

So where do we go from here? How do we figure out a way to end this? I am a huge believer that our children are whom we mold them to be. Do not get me wrong, I did not mold my son to scream in the grocery store, or my daughter to pick her wedgies in public. But at the end of the day though, they are taught to just be good children. Treat others as you want to be treated. I do understand that there are some that are going to go their own ways. I am sure rapist and murderer’s parents did not raise them to become monsters, at least not most of them. 

I was totally unaware though that when we are adults, dealing with our children having bullies, that we will be dealing with adult bullies. Those that treat others as if they are on a higher scale, those who talk behind others backs, those who try to cause problems just for something to do. It is sad really. I do not think as adults we should have to worry about one another being nice to each other. After all we are adults correct? 

Our children are watching us, they see the things we do at all moments. So be aware of how you are treating others, be aware what you are saying about others. Talk to your children tonight, no matter how young or old, and explain that they would not want to be the one on the other end of the bully stick. Ask them if they feel as though they are being bullied. Just stay alert and informed, and somehow we can work together to end bullying on all accounts.  And just remember; treat others as you want to be treated.

27.3 Hours

We are so close to this deployment being over. So close I can literally stretch my arms out and reach the finish line. Well not literally, but it sure seems like I should be able to. 

This deployment for the most part has gone extremely smooth. The time seems to have flown by looking back on it, but now that it is coming to an end I cannot figure out why the days have gotten so long. We went from somehow having 24 hour days, to now feeling like the days are taking 27.3 hours. .3 added on for the lack of sleep I am getting due to my extreme excitement. 

The kids and I have been so busy lately that I feel like I am going a million different directions. School, after school activities, sports, and errands. I get home and I feel like I am going to collapse, but we have to get dinner ate and homework done. Not to mention it is only 4:30. REALLY. I just crammed all of this into my day and it is not even dinner time! 

I love my children, but it seems like anymore their bedtime is 12 hours away from just the time I pick my daughter up from school. 

Once the day finally comes to an end, and I have my alone time, I crawl into bed and wonder if I will even be able to get covered before I pass out. Then before I know it, an hour has passed and I am still laying there. So tired I think, so I close my eyes. Once again I cannot figure out why I am just laying here thinking about how tired I am, instead of just sleeping. So I watch T.V., have a midnight snack, play with the dog, do some writing, and then lay. Just lay. This is where the .3 of my 27.3 hour day comes into play, it seems as though this time of my day is just a waste of being awake. I know it is just the excitement of waiting for my husband’s arrival, but this is really getting to be just a pain. I do not know who is controlling the hours of the days, but I would appreciate shorter days right now. Save the 27.3 hour days for when we are a whole family once again.

I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels for the soldiers away from home. I know that at the end of the deployment the time for them gets busy but at the end of the day, or a very long night, they are still on the other side of the world. Away from their friends and their families, living in danger, going with much less sleep then I could ever imagine for myself. 

We have been blessed to be able to have contact with my husband, once a week or at least every two weeks we get to see him on Skype. If I have a question that I need answered I can email him, and most likely have an answer within a day. So I tip my deployment hat to the families that do not have this luxury, because that is truly what it is, a luxury. 

It is a bittersweet feeling really. I am tired from the lack of sleep, and frustrated at times with the clock moving so slow. The truth is though, at the end of the day, I am alive, and healthy. We do get to see our soldier from time to time. In all I am a proud Army wife that I am lucky enough to have a 27.3 hour day.

10 Years

I have been sitting in front of this computer on and off for a week and a half now. This is the first time I have even attempted to write this blog. Nothing about September 11th is easy, and writing about it is just an emotional ride.

10 years ago today I was in a car on my way home from a vocational school, when the driver received a life changing phone call. "A plane just crashed into one of the towers!", that is what I was told. I was confused by exactly what that meant, or even what "the tower" was. Within a few minutes I was home and rushed to the television. The second plane had just hit, and I needed to sit down. I was young, a Junior in high school,  but this was something that hit me hard. If you have read any of my previous blogs you will quickly learn that I am a patriotic person, and have been since far before becoming an Army wife.

I was so sad sitting there watching the smoke, watching the fire, and then watching as people were jumping from the buildings. Then I was angry. Who would do something like this, who was heartless enough to take the lives of so many others. It seemed as though the day would never end. Reports of the towers falling, the Pentagon had been hit, and then Flight 93 crashing near Shanksville, Pennsylvania. What was next that day. What was next for the United States for the years to come?

As I went into my regular school it was a very somber feeling. Everyone was quiet, confused I guess. The principal was not allowing us to watch it on the televisions (although some teachers did). At the end of the school day the Lee Greenwood song, 'Proud to be an American' rang out through the school speakers. Little did I know at that point in my life, how much this day would effect the rest of my life, and my fellow Americans.

It is surprisingly hard to get an exact count of the lives lost that day, all say close to 3,000, but differ from number to number. Either way, even if it was just one life lost, it was one life too many.

One thing that I can say my children will know from that day, is the way that the United States came together in the weeks to follow. Flags flew, signs were posted, ribbons were tied on trees. It was as if we all had a connection to the ones lost that day.

I am not going to get into a huge political tirade on here, because we know that emotions run high when it comes to that topic. What I will say is that I do not like war, I do not like seeing soldiers, and civilians at that, losing their lives in such horrific ways. With that said, I 100% stand behind this war. We are the United States, we are strong, and I believe with all my heart that we needed to fight back. Unfortunalty I do not feel as though any of this will ever end, terrorism wise at least. But I am proud to say that I am an American, that my husband is fighting for this war, and that thousands of troops have given their lives for the thousands that lost their lives on the day that changed the future of this country. God Bless America, and those fighting for our freedom.

I cannot wait to get to know him again.

One lesson I learned very quickly living the military life, is that being alone is something that you get used to uncomfortably quickly. Even when my husband was not deployed he was still gone here and there for training. Granted nothing truly prepares you for deployment, but you learn that being alone is not a choice.

The first time my husband and our family were separated was for a seven month stretch while he was away at training. During this time his birthday came and passed, as did Easter and many school functions. My children also celebrated another year of life, and we welcomed our third child into the world, just all without a father being present.

As hard as it seems to go through, living these certain situations are something that come and go no matter who is there or not. Because the truth of the matter is life keeps moving, even if you so greatly want it to stand still. So this made the times that we were finally back together more of a getting to know each other again. This is a tough lesson that I learned extremely quickly; during these years of our lives, I am going to spend much of it getting use to my husband over and over again. 

One sentence I heard more and more after moving here was that we will just get use to having our spouses back in time to see them leave. I just never truly understood how powerful that statement really was.

 I had just gotten use to having my husband back around in time for him to leave for two weeks of schooling. After that is was thirty days of training and finally gone for a twelve month deployment. Now do not get me wrong, I am not complaining about him being gone, not that I enjoy it, but it is part the job. The point of this all, is that no matter how many times he leaves I do not have a choice, I am alone. And no matter how long of a stretch he is gone for, I feel as though we never really are use to being a family.

The unnerving part to me is how fast I fall into living a life as a single mother. Days go by, celebrations go by, we get sick, and we even cry at times. The only thing we cannot do is have time stand still, let those situations and moments just wait until he is back with us again. I do not feel as though we ever skip a beat though just because my husband is away serving his country. I often wonder that is something horrible were to happen, would I fall right into being so comfortably alone as quickly? The great part of our situation though is that at the end of this journey my husband IS coming home. I do have a husband, and my children have a father, that we can talk to at times, and we will see soon. Although I hope I never get the true answer to know if I will fall into place if I am ever truly left alone, my heart does break for those who have lost loved ones in this war, or just in life. 

It is a gamble that we take I suppose in everyday life. We never really know when the answer will fall upon on.  I just feel as though this journey is preparing myself and my family for the ‘what ifs’. I am proud to live this life, and I feel as though it has made me a stronger person in general. I know now that I can do things I never thought I could. I know now that I can take on tough situations alone, and know that it will turn out okay in the end. I know now that I am truly blessed to have my husband gone, because as I stated before he is coming home. And I cannot wait to get to know him again.

Do you have jumper cables?

Over the course of this deployment I have managed to kill the battery on both my truck, and also my husband’s. That is correct, multiple times, I am very talented. I will add that I can jump start a car faster than most women I know. Another thing that I have learned over the course of many times moving vehicles, and popping hoods; I never once had anyone ask if I needed help. Granted I would rather do it on my own, that way I do not feel so embarrassed, but the point is, not one person could help. 

My husband and I spoke a lot before he deployed how you never see anyone pulling over to help others on the sides of the roads. I remember when I was in school, before cell phones were huge, if we broke down we did not wait long until somebody was there to help. Stranger or not. I oddly find this sad, that the simple common courtesy of helping others is almost nonexistent when it comes to broke down vehicles.

 Now, living on a military post we are for the most part all going through the same types of situations. Lots of men and women are left alone for long periods of times. This means that if you have car troubles, or any troubles really, you are on your own to figure out how to fix it. So when I see a woman, or man at that, that needs help it is always nice to ask if they could use your help or not. I know when my husband was home, he was great about helping others. So to go so long with so many car troubles, without a single person helping made me feel even more alone. 

A few months ago I was having trouble with my vehicle that I for the life of me could not figure out. Immediately after hearing I needed help, a friend from church had a mechanic at my house within hours to help me out. At that moment, I felt so blessed to have a relationship with people that are there for each other. I did not feel so alone at that moment. 

Dealing with the battery problem again this morning, for the second time this week, I was feeling very lonely. I know what you are thinking, and no, it was not due to me leaving the lights on…. this time. Frustrated I was trying to quickly change car seats from one car to another to get my children to school on time. Then I heard a voice come from across the street. A neighbor, whom I never officially met, yelled over to ask if I had jumper cables. Could it be, with a month to go before my husband returns I have finally found a man willing to take time to help me out? Although I was running too late to except his help, I suddenly felt less stressed, just knowing that he had been so kind. Now I understand this does not sound like a HUGE deal. It is not as though he gave me a hundred dollars, or let me take credit for the cure of cancer. But for me just the fact that he had noticed I needed help, and offered his time was enough for me. If everyone would take a few minutes out of their day to help someone that needs it, we could make the day of so many people. 

Maybe they will not need your help, or maybe you will end up helping for longer than you expected, but the fact is you helped. Therapeutic I guess for both yourself and the one you helped. Pay it forward, even if it is just asking if they have jumper cables.

Twenty lessons my children have taught me.

1.    If you get food on your face or clothes, do not worry about it until the meal is over with. Or if you have to, try to lick it off with your tongue.

2.       If you need to shake up your life just get a cardboard box, and head into another world.

3.       What is the big deal if you mix the play dough colors? It is all play dough right?

4.       Sometimes talking from day to day gets boring, so just break out into a song.

5.       If you think you can jump from the top of the jungle gym to the bottom, do not think, just jump.

6.       Why stop with the paper when you can “accidentally” color your fingers also.

7.       There is no problem with dipping your carrots in ranch… and ketchup.

8.       New shoes? Or new mud jumpers?

9.       If a new type of bug looks interesting, by all means pick it up and take a closer look.

10.   Sometimes making new friends is as simple as saying, “Hey, want to play with me?”

11.   When you are trying to do something against the rules, just move really slow, then you appear invisible.

12.   Sometimes getting a good laugh is as easy as just putting a bucket on your head.

13.   It is okay to cry, even if for no reason at all.

14.   When your big brother or sister does something you are not happy with, sometimes you just need to scream. (I do not recommend this one).

15.   Even if somebody is mean to you, it does not make them a bad person.

16.   The worst word in the world is ‘stupid’.

17.   The best feeling in the world is simply sliding down a big slide.

18.   The second best feeling in the world is sliding down a little slide.

19.   You can say you are not tired a million times, but when you wake up from your nap you realize maybe you were wrong.

20.   There is no reason to hate and hold grudges, when you can just love everyone and everything so simply.