Friday, May 31, 2013

Could I?

I have nights that I think more than usual about how much I truly miss my other half. I am happy that he is safe, and he is not in any danger right now, but I sure miss him. There are moments that I cry out of pride, times that I cry out of fear, and times that I cry for the emotions that I feel for the ones that are gone.

When we think about persons being deployed, or stationed elsewhere it is easy to think about the ones that are left behind and what they must be dealing with. It is easy to overlook that simple fact that we, the ones "left behind", have it easy. We are here in our homes with our families or friends. And although many are without their immediate family and friends there are always people there if you need. The ones that are gone are the ones that we fail to think about what is being missed. They are without any family or close friends. They are without their children, and homes. They do not have access to the simple things and in most cases the simple luxuries. When we crave a certain food, there are hundreds of choices to ease that craving, imagine not having a choice. When we have a rash, we run to the store and get a lotion or cream, imagine not having that option.

So could I do it? Well.... if I had to, yes. I use to think I was tough enough for the military. Physically, yes in most cases. Emotionally, not with children. I could not imagine a day without my children, and yet their father is missing 14 months of their lives. I could not imagine losing out on the moments of tears, and smiles, and triumphs. I could not imagine not sitting with them every night and fighting with them to finish their brussel sprouts. Or tucking them in after a bathroom break, and easing a scaring thought, or just because they can't stay in bed. So I guess could I.... no.

My point is that although the families have emotional hurdles and heartbreaks, we have each other. The focus should not be on the ones that are missing the ones away, but rather the ones away that can only miss the life they once had.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

A Simple Breakdown

We are almost two months in to the separation of our family. That leaves 12 more to go. I sit and think a lot about how we actually go day by day with our lives right up to the point that it is over, the separation that is. There is a break down I have determined to the times that we are apart.

THE GOODBYE: The goodbye is crucial, and last far before and after the actual departure. We build up to the goodbye by making a plan as to how the time will pass, exciting plans that we "look" forward to, even though we know that is something that we truly do not want to do. Then the actual departure happens and now we are in the "lost" mode, we have prepared for this moment, but struggle with emotions of sadness, loneliness, and pride.

THE HONEYMOON IS OVER: Not that any of this is really a honeymoon, until after he returns of course, but the feeling of change is that same. We have these emotions that are built up and time that seems to crawl until one day it is as though this has been your life forever. You realize that it has been days since you have cried and being apart does not seem like something other than normal.

LIFE MOVES ON: We can sit and cry, which trust me happens, and yet the hours pass and days move on. Making the most of the time is the best thing we can do, and yet giving ourselves time to truly think about the moment that we are in is very important. And then before we know it the days turn into weeks and it is time to reminisce again.

THE TIMELINE: Once everything settles down it is a little easier to actually sit and put everything into perspective. The goodbye has the anxiousness of having it start so that it can in turn, end. The ending of the honeymoon is the point that it settles in, we have made it a few weeks which is very exciting... but it is only a few weeks and we have so many more to go. There will come a time that you will hit the midway point and that is so exciting, and yet again comes the realization that all of the time that has passed you have to do all over again to reach the finish line.

A simple saying that has gotten me through many, many hard times; "This cannot last forever, everything eventually passes." We have done this before and who knows if we will do it again. Although it seems as though this is going to take a lifetime to get to the end again I do realize that we have survived this before, and an entire year has passed in between and although we cherish the time we have together, that year was merely a blink.

THE EMOTIONS: So many.... too many to list, some are so strange I cannot explain them. One that I personally struggle with myself is the fact that I can sit here and put this into words, and yet I am the one not going through this. My husband, their father, a son and my hero is away from his family for a whole year and some. His chidren cry to him to come home, I complain about life, and yet he puts on a strong face and makes it all better.

Now do not get me wrong, we are in a great situation as opposed to many, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Emotions are life, and we all deal with them different. I would not change a moment for anything and will truly miss this lifestyle when it is time to say goodbye.

I am proud of my Love, and to the stronge family we have built.