Monday, July 15, 2013

He Lost His Family, and I Lost My Mind.

Three months down. Three months that we have been apart. Three months that have seem to have flown by.

Ten months to go. Ten months that we will be apart. Ten months that seem like an eternity away.

With the numbers made aware, it is time to confess..... I have lost my mind. I am not complaining that we are apart, nor that we have so long to go. I am lost in the fact that, I am lost.

We are a military family (implied I know), but this time around is different. We moved back to our home town and are now around family, (insert sarcasm), all of them. The amazing thing with friends is that they are there when you need them. The amazing thing with family is that they are always there. So where is the problem? I apparently have realized that I want to be a hermit....... seriously live in the woods, eat beans out of a can and only talk to the animals..which are my children of course.

I have realized in the same sense that my husband is three months in of being away from his family, away from his friends, away from his normal. He has ten months to go, ten more months away, and ten more months to miss everything.

So what is the point of my rambling? I am not sure at this point... oh wait, yes, that I have lost my mind.

I am in between emotions of feeling bad for myself and feeling as though I have no right to feel bad for myself, my husband is the one that is away.

And then it hit me last night what it is. I miss my life I had, of course. My friends, my house, my job. But what I miss the most, is being lonely, seeing the soldiers, seeing the crying wives, seeing the children that only have one parent. And as sad as it all sounds, that is the normal that I am longing for. I am needing. I do not have. There is a respect that I feel when I think about my husband, and being home in a town that is not military is tearing me apart.

So I guess for the next ten months, I will get crazier and crazier. And I will document and share the crazy moments. The moments that make me look insane, and as time goes by make others notice just how insane I am. Stay tuned........ it is going to be a long ten months!!

Friday, May 31, 2013

Could I?

I have nights that I think more than usual about how much I truly miss my other half. I am happy that he is safe, and he is not in any danger right now, but I sure miss him. There are moments that I cry out of pride, times that I cry out of fear, and times that I cry for the emotions that I feel for the ones that are gone.

When we think about persons being deployed, or stationed elsewhere it is easy to think about the ones that are left behind and what they must be dealing with. It is easy to overlook that simple fact that we, the ones "left behind", have it easy. We are here in our homes with our families or friends. And although many are without their immediate family and friends there are always people there if you need. The ones that are gone are the ones that we fail to think about what is being missed. They are without any family or close friends. They are without their children, and homes. They do not have access to the simple things and in most cases the simple luxuries. When we crave a certain food, there are hundreds of choices to ease that craving, imagine not having a choice. When we have a rash, we run to the store and get a lotion or cream, imagine not having that option.

So could I do it? Well.... if I had to, yes. I use to think I was tough enough for the military. Physically, yes in most cases. Emotionally, not with children. I could not imagine a day without my children, and yet their father is missing 14 months of their lives. I could not imagine losing out on the moments of tears, and smiles, and triumphs. I could not imagine not sitting with them every night and fighting with them to finish their brussel sprouts. Or tucking them in after a bathroom break, and easing a scaring thought, or just because they can't stay in bed. So I guess could I.... no.

My point is that although the families have emotional hurdles and heartbreaks, we have each other. The focus should not be on the ones that are missing the ones away, but rather the ones away that can only miss the life they once had.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

A Simple Breakdown

We are almost two months in to the separation of our family. That leaves 12 more to go. I sit and think a lot about how we actually go day by day with our lives right up to the point that it is over, the separation that is. There is a break down I have determined to the times that we are apart.

THE GOODBYE: The goodbye is crucial, and last far before and after the actual departure. We build up to the goodbye by making a plan as to how the time will pass, exciting plans that we "look" forward to, even though we know that is something that we truly do not want to do. Then the actual departure happens and now we are in the "lost" mode, we have prepared for this moment, but struggle with emotions of sadness, loneliness, and pride.

THE HONEYMOON IS OVER: Not that any of this is really a honeymoon, until after he returns of course, but the feeling of change is that same. We have these emotions that are built up and time that seems to crawl until one day it is as though this has been your life forever. You realize that it has been days since you have cried and being apart does not seem like something other than normal.

LIFE MOVES ON: We can sit and cry, which trust me happens, and yet the hours pass and days move on. Making the most of the time is the best thing we can do, and yet giving ourselves time to truly think about the moment that we are in is very important. And then before we know it the days turn into weeks and it is time to reminisce again.

THE TIMELINE: Once everything settles down it is a little easier to actually sit and put everything into perspective. The goodbye has the anxiousness of having it start so that it can in turn, end. The ending of the honeymoon is the point that it settles in, we have made it a few weeks which is very exciting... but it is only a few weeks and we have so many more to go. There will come a time that you will hit the midway point and that is so exciting, and yet again comes the realization that all of the time that has passed you have to do all over again to reach the finish line.

A simple saying that has gotten me through many, many hard times; "This cannot last forever, everything eventually passes." We have done this before and who knows if we will do it again. Although it seems as though this is going to take a lifetime to get to the end again I do realize that we have survived this before, and an entire year has passed in between and although we cherish the time we have together, that year was merely a blink.

THE EMOTIONS: So many.... too many to list, some are so strange I cannot explain them. One that I personally struggle with myself is the fact that I can sit here and put this into words, and yet I am the one not going through this. My husband, their father, a son and my hero is away from his family for a whole year and some. His chidren cry to him to come home, I complain about life, and yet he puts on a strong face and makes it all better.

Now do not get me wrong, we are in a great situation as opposed to many, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Emotions are life, and we all deal with them different. I would not change a moment for anything and will truly miss this lifestyle when it is time to say goodbye.

I am proud of my Love, and to the stronge family we have built.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

"It is just 14 months"......Right?

We have made it to our new home, which is my old home......well my childhood home. That is right! Myself, my three children, and two 100 pound dogs have moved in with my parents. My parents are great, and have made the transition smooth, but it is more than an adjustment.

My husband is now in Korea, and although everyone seems calm, I am pretty nervous about it. We have 14 months until he is home and it cannot come soon enough. The kiddos have started their new schools, which has been hard on the middle one. It will all come though, in time.

With all of the changes comes the military emotions, and I know anyone who has a spouse away knows what I am talking about. There are the strange moments when you are walking through the grocery store and you see a red sign and think how good that would look in your house... then you start crying because your house is one short and everyone around looks at you like you are a crazy mess. That was just an example, trust me the tears come from out of the blue and can usually ruin the whole day.

There are good points to all of this also, I get to tell others how amazing my husband is. He is taking 14 months of his life and living it in a room in a strange country without his children and he does not complain at all. I get to have days that I cry, and I having been through this before I know that it is okay. My children get to learn that life is hard, and we need to be grateful for every second that we have. Not to mention, my husband looks pretty darn good in ACUs.

I have been blessed to have friends from our previous post that have pulled me through my tough days so far. It is hard not having anyone that truly understands. It is frustrating to hear "It is only 14 months, after that you will be together!", or "We will help you keep your mind off of it." from those who have not been through it. It is not JUST 14 months, that is over a year of our lives, there are birthdays, holidays, programs, and hugs that will be missed. And there is no way to keep your mind off of it, we are always a man short. I am thankful for the support I have here, military or not, but there are things that they will never understand.

I am in a town that I grew up as one person and have turned into someone else. It is hard to see people who do not know that. We will make it through and will do it with pride. We will have our bad days, but followed close by the amazing ones. We will miss our soldier and cry for him at night. We will stick together, because that is what we do, and no matter how far away he is he will always be our rock. Besides, "it is just 14 months", right?

Thursday, February 7, 2013

My Brain is Missing

It has been about a month and a half since I posted last. To be honest, with the holidays I just could not bring myself to find anything to write about, and to be really honest I thought Google lost my account. I signed in with my email account and when asked to upgrade (which I never do), I thought heck if Beyonce can use up all of the power at the Superbowl surely I can upgrade. UGH.

Well from that moment on I could not post anything, there was not even a 'new post' button. I searched and searched, looked in the 'help' department and filled out a questionaire, making sure Mr. Google understood how frustrated I was that my loyal followers, or follower, could not read my words of wisdom. After an hour of searching tonight I signed out and thought maybe if I signed back in it would magically work, but secretly I was planning a way to find the internet's phone number and give her a piece of my mind. I entered my email address and password, they were wrong, that is when I realized I had been entering the wrong email. So as you can see I am on now, and I am not too proud nor too popular to admit when I am wrong, so I apologize Ms. Internet and Mr. Google, I was wrong to jump to conclusions.

As dumb as that sounds I really do feel like my brain is missing more than usual lately. I would tell you all of the dumb things that I have done, and there are plenty, but I cannot think of a single one of them right now. Shocking I know.

There is a lot going on right now, we are packing up our things to move "back home" or at least back to the place I grew up. I consider this house, this post, this state my "home." Needless to say I am having a hard time with even the little things. While attempting to sort our shoe closet and pack up our summer shoes I had a melt down, and will have to step over the pile of flip flops on my way to bed tonight. Trying to think about all of the things that we will and will not need the coming 14 months my mind goes blank and the tears start flowing. Kids switching schools, moving to a different house, saying goodbye to friends, leaving this state forever, and then trying to keep in mind that my husband is leaving is making me dumber I think. Now I know I am having a pity party right now, but to be honest this is the first party that I have been to in a few years so I am going to enjoy myself.

The military is not the only line of work that husbands and wives are gone, that families have to up and move and move again. I will say though military has a strong bond with the ones that are living this life. I will miss my friends that are like none other. There is a silent something that lets us all know that we are in this together and even on those hard days there is someone having the same hard day as you.

I guess this is not much of a 'blog' per say, but a thank you to the ones that have been with me, through brain and no brain. It is a hard night tonight trying to process the next chapter, but nevertheless, I am excited to see what it brings and the chapters after that. I am blessed and proud of the life I live.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

The Deployment Journey For The Spouse

I have been seeing a lot of posts via the internet about military spouses having a tough time making it through deployments, and their deployments have just begun. Many of these women are virgins of the deployment, but some are in fact veterans.
Months ago I wrote a blog and made a comment stating how fast you get used to being alone, it really is unnerving. Now I understand that we are all different and events effect us all differently. I underestimated the magnitude to which the numbers of the dramatic effects go.
Doctors are diagnosing military wives with PTSD, being left alone being the traumatic part. I am not saying that this is not correct, or that wives are being a bit too emotional. What I am sayting is that here is a perfect time to step back, look at your life, and do what we preach to our military members everyday... get help. Do not wait until your spouse returns and then realize that you indeed are not getting better, get the help that you need before you need it. There are many programs set in place by the military to help spouses get through these tough times. This of course is if you can get out of bed, or off the couch to do so.
Try and take some of the emotional times and turn them into something special, here are some examples:
You just spent the past two days moping around - You just spent the past two days doing something you would not do if your husband was home... you were lazy!
You are spending the holidays alone - These are great times to reflect on what you truly have, if you have children this is a great time to talk to them about what is truly special in life. If you are invited to spend them with a friend's family, really contemplate it, it could be fun.
Your car broke down - Trust me, seems as though it always happens when your spouse is gone! If it is something simple, try to learn how to fix it yourself. There is nothing more powerful then know YOU could do it.
You cry.. a lot - Great, let it out! I have said before that you always know a military spouse when they cry in the grocery store. It is okay to cry, these are good times to remind yourself what you are going through, and how strong you have been.
I understand that these are easier said than done, but try. Try to get up today and go see something that you have not yet seen. If you have one head over to the USO office and see what activities that they are hosting. See what the surrounding areas are doing, with a military post nearby there are usually many different things to see and do. DO NOT be afraid to talk to a doctor, remember your other half is gone. The person that you normally share things with is gone, so do not hesitate to talk to someone else.
The most important thing to remember is that after today there is tomorrow, and so on. Before you know it you will be half way done, and soon it will be over. It may not seem like it right now, but it will all be a memory soon. Do not beat yourself up too bad, this is a deployment for your spouse and a journey for you!

Friday, November 16, 2012

A Military Poem

There are many days of a lifetime love
Sometimes we think that we cannot do
What many say is impossibly above
The life of the normal and civilian too
There are many days that we sit and cry
Too many to clarify how or even why
We have days that we wonder
How can we go any more
With the lightning and thunder
We just find a rug and sweep it all under
The months go by and we think they will never end
Then a day comes that we cannot even speak to a friend
With a ring of the door and a glimpse out the window
I fall to the ground and sob like a widow
I was new to the service but knew of the men
Three all dressed and ready to try and mend
A heart that is broken
With the wind of the day
I am not sure I can live, we just had until May

Now all alone I am not sure what to do
I look right down and I am staring at you
Your dad was a hero
A man of little words
He always talked about you
I swear even to the birds

He was never able to meet you
We fell two months short
But he will always protect you
Even if from Heaven's port