A Simple Breakdown

We are almost two months in to the separation of our family. That leaves 12 more to go. I sit and think a lot about how we actually go day by day with our lives right up to the point that it is over, the separation that is. There is a break down I have determined to the times that we are apart.

THE GOODBYE: The goodbye is crucial, and last far before and after the actual departure. We build up to the goodbye by making a plan as to how the time will pass, exciting plans that we "look" forward to, even though we know that is something that we truly do not want to do. Then the actual departure happens and now we are in the "lost" mode, we have prepared for this moment, but struggle with emotions of sadness, loneliness, and pride.

THE HONEYMOON IS OVER: Not that any of this is really a honeymoon, until after he returns of course, but the feeling of change is that same. We have these emotions that are built up and time that seems to crawl until one day it is as though this has been your life forever. You realize that it has been days since you have cried and being apart does not seem like something other than normal.

LIFE MOVES ON: We can sit and cry, which trust me happens, and yet the hours pass and days move on. Making the most of the time is the best thing we can do, and yet giving ourselves time to truly think about the moment that we are in is very important. And then before we know it the days turn into weeks and it is time to reminisce again.

THE TIMELINE: Once everything settles down it is a little easier to actually sit and put everything into perspective. The goodbye has the anxiousness of having it start so that it can in turn, end. The ending of the honeymoon is the point that it settles in, we have made it a few weeks which is very exciting... but it is only a few weeks and we have so many more to go. There will come a time that you will hit the midway point and that is so exciting, and yet again comes the realization that all of the time that has passed you have to do all over again to reach the finish line.

A simple saying that has gotten me through many, many hard times; "This cannot last forever, everything eventually passes." We have done this before and who knows if we will do it again. Although it seems as though this is going to take a lifetime to get to the end again I do realize that we have survived this before, and an entire year has passed in between and although we cherish the time we have together, that year was merely a blink.

THE EMOTIONS: So many.... too many to list, some are so strange I cannot explain them. One that I personally struggle with myself is the fact that I can sit here and put this into words, and yet I am the one not going through this. My husband, their father, a son and my hero is away from his family for a whole year and some. His chidren cry to him to come home, I complain about life, and yet he puts on a strong face and makes it all better.

Now do not get me wrong, we are in a great situation as opposed to many, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Emotions are life, and we all deal with them different. I would not change a moment for anything and will truly miss this lifestyle when it is time to say goodbye.

I am proud of my Love, and to the stronge family we have built.

"It is just 14 months"......Right?

We have made it to our new home, which is my old home......well my childhood home. That is right! Myself, my three children, and two 100 pound dogs have moved in with my parents. My parents are great, and have made the transition smooth, but it is more than an adjustment.

My husband is now in Korea, and although everyone seems calm, I am pretty nervous about it. We have 14 months until he is home and it cannot come soon enough. The kiddos have started their new schools, which has been hard on the middle one. It will all come though, in time.

With all of the changes comes the military emotions, and I know anyone who has a spouse away knows what I am talking about. There are the strange moments when you are walking through the grocery store and you see a red sign and think how good that would look in your house... then you start crying because your house is one short and everyone around looks at you like you are a crazy mess. That was just an example, trust me the tears come from out of the blue and can usually ruin the whole day.

There are good points to all of this also, I get to tell others how amazing my husband is. He is taking 14 months of his life and living it in a room in a strange country without his children and he does not complain at all. I get to have days that I cry, and I having been through this before I know that it is okay. My children get to learn that life is hard, and we need to be grateful for every second that we have. Not to mention, my husband looks pretty darn good in ACUs.

I have been blessed to have friends from our previous post that have pulled me through my tough days so far. It is hard not having anyone that truly understands. It is frustrating to hear "It is only 14 months, after that you will be together!", or "We will help you keep your mind off of it." from those who have not been through it. It is not JUST 14 months, that is over a year of our lives, there are birthdays, holidays, programs, and hugs that will be missed. And there is no way to keep your mind off of it, we are always a man short. I am thankful for the support I have here, military or not, but there are things that they will never understand.

I am in a town that I grew up as one person and have turned into someone else. It is hard to see people who do not know that. We will make it through and will do it with pride. We will have our bad days, but followed close by the amazing ones. We will miss our soldier and cry for him at night. We will stick together, because that is what we do, and no matter how far away he is he will always be our rock. Besides, "it is just 14 months", right?

My Brain is Missing

It has been about a month and a half since I posted last. To be honest, with the holidays I just could not bring myself to find anything to write about, and to be really honest I thought Google lost my account. I signed in with my email account and when asked to upgrade (which I never do), I thought heck if Beyonce can use up all of the power at the Superbowl surely I can upgrade. UGH.

Well from that moment on I could not post anything, there was not even a 'new post' button. I searched and searched, looked in the 'help' department and filled out a questionaire, making sure Mr. Google understood how frustrated I was that my loyal followers, or follower, could not read my words of wisdom. After an hour of searching tonight I signed out and thought maybe if I signed back in it would magically work, but secretly I was planning a way to find the internet's phone number and give her a piece of my mind. I entered my email address and password, they were wrong, that is when I realized I had been entering the wrong email. So as you can see I am on now, and I am not too proud nor too popular to admit when I am wrong, so I apologize Ms. Internet and Mr. Google, I was wrong to jump to conclusions.

As dumb as that sounds I really do feel like my brain is missing more than usual lately. I would tell you all of the dumb things that I have done, and there are plenty, but I cannot think of a single one of them right now. Shocking I know.

There is a lot going on right now, we are packing up our things to move "back home" or at least back to the place I grew up. I consider this house, this post, this state my "home." Needless to say I am having a hard time with even the little things. While attempting to sort our shoe closet and pack up our summer shoes I had a melt down, and will have to step over the pile of flip flops on my way to bed tonight. Trying to think about all of the things that we will and will not need the coming 14 months my mind goes blank and the tears start flowing. Kids switching schools, moving to a different house, saying goodbye to friends, leaving this state forever, and then trying to keep in mind that my husband is leaving is making me dumber I think. Now I know I am having a pity party right now, but to be honest this is the first party that I have been to in a few years so I am going to enjoy myself.

The military is not the only line of work that husbands and wives are gone, that families have to up and move and move again. I will say though military has a strong bond with the ones that are living this life. I will miss my friends that are like none other. There is a silent something that lets us all know that we are in this together and even on those hard days there is someone having the same hard day as you.

I guess this is not much of a 'blog' per say, but a thank you to the ones that have been with me, through brain and no brain. It is a hard night tonight trying to process the next chapter, but nevertheless, I am excited to see what it brings and the chapters after that. I am blessed and proud of the life I live.

The Deployment Journey For The Spouse

I have been seeing a lot of posts via the internet about military spouses having a tough time making it through deployments, and their deployments have just begun. Many of these women are virgins of the deployment, but some are in fact veterans.

Months ago I wrote a blog and made a comment stating how fast you get used to being alone, it really is unnerving. Now I understand that we are all different and events effect us all differently. I underestimated the magnitude to which the numbers of the dramatic effects go.

Doctors are diagnosing military wives with PTSD, being left alone being the traumatic part. I am not saying that this is not correct, or that wives are being a bit too emotional. What I am sayting is that here is a perfect time to step back, look at your life, and do what we preach to our military members everyday... get help. Do not wait until your spouse returns and then realize that you indeed are not getting better, get the help that you need before you need it. There are many programs set in place by the military to help spouses get through these tough times. This of course is if you can get out of bed, or off the couch to do so.

Try and take some of the emotional times and turn them into something special, here are some examples:

You just spent the past two days moping around - You just spent the past two days doing something you would not do if your husband was home... you were lazy!

You are spending the holidays alone - These are great times to reflect on what you truly have, if you have children this is a great time to talk to them about what is truly special in life. If you are invited to spend them with a friend's family, really contemplate it, it could be fun.

Your car broke down - Trust me, seems as though it always happens when your spouse is gone! If it is something simple, try to learn how to fix it yourself. There is nothing more powerful then know YOU could do it.

You cry.. a lot - Great, let it out! I have said before that you always know a military spouse when they cry in the grocery store. It is okay to cry, these are good times to remind yourself what you are going through, and how strong you have been.

I understand that these are easier said than done, but try. Try to get up today and go see something that you have not yet seen. If you have one head over to the USO office and see what activities that they are hosting. See what the surrounding areas are doing, with a military post nearby there are usually many different things to see and do. DO NOT be afraid to talk to a doctor, remember your other half is gone. The person that you normally share things with is gone, so do not hesitate to talk to someone else.

The most important thing to remember is that after today there is tomorrow, and so on. Before you know it you will be half way done, and soon it will be over. It may not seem like it right now, but it will all be a memory soon. Do not beat yourself up too bad, this is a deployment for your spouse and a journey for you!

A Military Poem

There are many days of a lifetime love

Sometimes we think that we cannot do

What many say is impossibly above

The life of the normal and civilian too

**

                                                                                                 

There are many days that we sit and cry

Too many to clarify how or even why

**

We have days that we wonder

How can we go any more

With the lightning and thunder

We just find a rug and sweep it all under

**

The months go by and we think they will never end

Then a day comes that we cannot even speak to a friend

**

With a ring of the door and a glimpse out the window

I fall to the ground and sob like a widow

**

I was new to the service but knew of the men

Three all dressed and ready to try and mend

**

A heart that is broken

With the wind of the day

I am not sure I can live, we just had until May

**

Now all alone I am not sure what to do

I look right down and I am staring at you

**

Your dad was a hero

A man of little words

He always talked about you

I swear even to the birds

**

He was never able to meet you

We fell two months short

But he will always protect you

Even if from Heaven's port

The Military

The military goes back hundreds of years, and it is no secret that it is a controversy among many. There are many that support the military and many who do not. This is not a blog today to sway you either way, but to let you into my mind for a minute to allow you to see my perspective.

I am not from a military family, I do not remember all but one member of service in my entire family. That did not sway my view on the military and the want to just hug every service member I saw. There is something to be said for men and women who give their freedom of doing what they want to giving themselves for the freedom of others.

It was not until my husband joined the military that seeing what these service members really do became a reality. Now there are many things that you see from some men and woman that was a slap in the face, but remembering that these are still normal human beings reminds me that mistakes in personal lives are still made. There is also the reminder that out of uniform you cannot tell the difference between a military member and a civilian, but when that uniform is on they are nothing of the ordinary. There are nights that they do not sleep, there are days that they do not rest, and there are moments that all they want is a home cooked meal.

My belief is that whether you are for or against the war until you put your feet in those boots and do what they do you have no right to judge these men and woman for doing their job, and protecting your freedom. I feel that it is much easier to sit in your recliner and voice your opinion than to get up and do something for someone other than yourself.

As I am sitting here writing this I have the television on in the background, why I do not know. On the show that has nothing to do with military, a soldier comes into contact with the person on the show and his face is scarred, while in Afghanistan and an IED exploded burning off his face and more. I cannot help but tear up, not necessarily for what he has to deal with the rest of his life, but for the sacrifices he gave up and still has that uniform on. These men and woman not only give up their time and a huge piece of their freedom, but they do it knowing the dangers that they will face.

Between the dangers, the emotions, the families and the friends these service members have given their lives up for you. And whether you are for or against these men and women you should show your respect, as there could come a day that you are in danger, and they would not hesitate to protect you no matter your belief.

To Cry or Not To Cry, That Is The Question

We are strong, we are flexible, we are the silent ranks. We never fail, we never are defeated, and we definitely never cry over spilt milk. Okay the last three were complete lies, and if you disagree with that then well.... you are a mutant.

I did a blog a while back about letting your emotions out and understanding that it is okay. I thought in this blog I would cover some more emotions that we are too prideful to talk about.

Picture this: You take your children to the store ensuring that it is to be quick in and out trip, all you need is bread and milk. As you go into the store you greet the greeter, say hello to some fellow spouses and merrily go about your way. Your children are acting amazing(remember you just walked in), so far so good. BAM the milk hits the floor as you pull it out of the cooler and just spills a little onto the floor. That's it, you lose it, the tears come and they cannot stop. The store assures you it is fine, and they take care of the clean-up. Now your kids are over the trip and want to go home NOW. You are so frustrated that you start whispering in a very threatening way that they are in so much trouble for acting out, and you rush out of the store, nothing in hand. As you get into the car you kids are screaming wanting to know why they are in trouble and you for some reason cannot stop the waterworks, and all you can think is how bad you want your other half there. Over spilt milk really!? Yes, really.

There it was, the breakdown that your mind has been needing and you had no idea was coming. Welcome to the military. There are moments that we all have that not many, especially civilians, understand. There is a moment in being a military spouse that all of the running around and all of the keeping the pieces together when everything seems to crumble. Now another thing that many do not understand is how within hours, we are fine again, well as fine as we can be. I am not saying that civilians do not carry similar burdens on their backs as well, but there are many hidden emotions that only military spouses will understand.

I am specifically saying 'military spouses' because I truly feel that even the military member has little to no idea the weight that is carried on the shoulder of their better half, I mean other half....

There is the obvious deployment, or deployments. These are the hard ones to deal with emotionally. If you have children you are not only attempting to reassure yourself that you are fine, you are reassuring your children as well. There is never a moment that you are not thinking about your spouse hoping and praying that they are okay. They truth of the matter is, we all know that there is a delay in the message being relayed to us on the home front if anything happens so the edge is never taken off.

There are training exercises. These if you are lucky take place on the post you are stationed at, if you're lucky. In most cases, just to toy with us I think, they are not. They are in another state usually far away. And in many cases you are not in much contact with your spouse during this time, which can last from a few weeks to a few months. When you take away the emotion of your husband being away at war, it is almost easier for them to be deployed for a 12 month period. During the deployment you know that they will not be home soon, you know that you will not hear from them for days at a time, you know that you can sit around in your pajamas all day if you want. I never did that....... but you could if you wanted to. When they are away at training there is a date that, to us, is not that far away so it is a waiting game. And trust me, the waiting game can kill you!

There is schooling that is required, again, usually not on the same post. All of these add up to a lot of "me" time. And I don't know many spouses that do not get sick of themselves after a while.

So many things that play an effect on our emotions, too many to count. Seeing dad's or mom's at the park, or let's be honest anywhere; military movies or any movies with happy families, or let's be honest families at all; hallmark movies, or commercials, these are the worst I cannot talk about it, it is too emotional. These simple things and so many more are reminders of what we are missing, and what we could potentially lose forever. It is a great reminder that we do not fully appreciate what we have until it is gone.