I cannot wait to get to know him again.

One lesson I learned very quickly living the military life, is that being alone is something that you get used to uncomfortably quickly. Even when my husband was not deployed he was still gone here and there for training. Granted nothing truly prepares you for deployment, but you learn that being alone is not a choice.

The first time my husband and our family were separated was for a seven month stretch while he was away at training. During this time his birthday came and passed, as did Easter and many school functions. My children also celebrated another year of life, and we welcomed our third child into the world, just all without a father being present.

As hard as it seems to go through, living these certain situations are something that come and go no matter who is there or not. Because the truth of the matter is life keeps moving, even if you so greatly want it to stand still. So this made the times that we were finally back together more of a getting to know each other again. This is a tough lesson that I learned extremely quickly; during these years of our lives, I am going to spend much of it getting use to my husband over and over again. 

One sentence I heard more and more after moving here was that we will just get use to having our spouses back in time to see them leave. I just never truly understood how powerful that statement really was.

 I had just gotten use to having my husband back around in time for him to leave for two weeks of schooling. After that is was thirty days of training and finally gone for a twelve month deployment. Now do not get me wrong, I am not complaining about him being gone, not that I enjoy it, but it is part the job. The point of this all, is that no matter how many times he leaves I do not have a choice, I am alone. And no matter how long of a stretch he is gone for, I feel as though we never really are use to being a family.

The unnerving part to me is how fast I fall into living a life as a single mother. Days go by, celebrations go by, we get sick, and we even cry at times. The only thing we cannot do is have time stand still, let those situations and moments just wait until he is back with us again. I do not feel as though we ever skip a beat though just because my husband is away serving his country. I often wonder that is something horrible were to happen, would I fall right into being so comfortably alone as quickly? The great part of our situation though is that at the end of this journey my husband IS coming home. I do have a husband, and my children have a father, that we can talk to at times, and we will see soon. Although I hope I never get the true answer to know if I will fall into place if I am ever truly left alone, my heart does break for those who have lost loved ones in this war, or just in life. 

It is a gamble that we take I suppose in everyday life. We never really know when the answer will fall upon on.  I just feel as though this journey is preparing myself and my family for the ‘what ifs’. I am proud to live this life, and I feel as though it has made me a stronger person in general. I know now that I can do things I never thought I could. I know now that I can take on tough situations alone, and know that it will turn out okay in the end. I know now that I am truly blessed to have my husband gone, because as I stated before he is coming home. And I cannot wait to get to know him again.

Do you have jumper cables?

Over the course of this deployment I have managed to kill the battery on both my truck, and also my husband’s. That is correct, multiple times, I am very talented. I will add that I can jump start a car faster than most women I know. Another thing that I have learned over the course of many times moving vehicles, and popping hoods; I never once had anyone ask if I needed help. Granted I would rather do it on my own, that way I do not feel so embarrassed, but the point is, not one person could help. 

My husband and I spoke a lot before he deployed how you never see anyone pulling over to help others on the sides of the roads. I remember when I was in school, before cell phones were huge, if we broke down we did not wait long until somebody was there to help. Stranger or not. I oddly find this sad, that the simple common courtesy of helping others is almost nonexistent when it comes to broke down vehicles.

 Now, living on a military post we are for the most part all going through the same types of situations. Lots of men and women are left alone for long periods of times. This means that if you have car troubles, or any troubles really, you are on your own to figure out how to fix it. So when I see a woman, or man at that, that needs help it is always nice to ask if they could use your help or not. I know when my husband was home, he was great about helping others. So to go so long with so many car troubles, without a single person helping made me feel even more alone. 

A few months ago I was having trouble with my vehicle that I for the life of me could not figure out. Immediately after hearing I needed help, a friend from church had a mechanic at my house within hours to help me out. At that moment, I felt so blessed to have a relationship with people that are there for each other. I did not feel so alone at that moment. 

Dealing with the battery problem again this morning, for the second time this week, I was feeling very lonely. I know what you are thinking, and no, it was not due to me leaving the lights on…. this time. Frustrated I was trying to quickly change car seats from one car to another to get my children to school on time. Then I heard a voice come from across the street. A neighbor, whom I never officially met, yelled over to ask if I had jumper cables. Could it be, with a month to go before my husband returns I have finally found a man willing to take time to help me out? Although I was running too late to except his help, I suddenly felt less stressed, just knowing that he had been so kind. Now I understand this does not sound like a HUGE deal. It is not as though he gave me a hundred dollars, or let me take credit for the cure of cancer. But for me just the fact that he had noticed I needed help, and offered his time was enough for me. If everyone would take a few minutes out of their day to help someone that needs it, we could make the day of so many people. 

Maybe they will not need your help, or maybe you will end up helping for longer than you expected, but the fact is you helped. Therapeutic I guess for both yourself and the one you helped. Pay it forward, even if it is just asking if they have jumper cables.

Twenty lessons my children have taught me.

1.    If you get food on your face or clothes, do not worry about it until the meal is over with. Or if you have to, try to lick it off with your tongue.

2.       If you need to shake up your life just get a cardboard box, and head into another world.

3.       What is the big deal if you mix the play dough colors? It is all play dough right?

4.       Sometimes talking from day to day gets boring, so just break out into a song.

5.       If you think you can jump from the top of the jungle gym to the bottom, do not think, just jump.

6.       Why stop with the paper when you can “accidentally” color your fingers also.

7.       There is no problem with dipping your carrots in ranch… and ketchup.

8.       New shoes? Or new mud jumpers?

9.       If a new type of bug looks interesting, by all means pick it up and take a closer look.

10.   Sometimes making new friends is as simple as saying, “Hey, want to play with me?”

11.   When you are trying to do something against the rules, just move really slow, then you appear invisible.

12.   Sometimes getting a good laugh is as easy as just putting a bucket on your head.

13.   It is okay to cry, even if for no reason at all.

14.   When your big brother or sister does something you are not happy with, sometimes you just need to scream. (I do not recommend this one).

15.   Even if somebody is mean to you, it does not make them a bad person.

16.   The worst word in the world is ‘stupid’.

17.   The best feeling in the world is simply sliding down a big slide.

18.   The second best feeling in the world is sliding down a little slide.

19.   You can say you are not tired a million times, but when you wake up from your nap you realize maybe you were wrong.

20.   There is no reason to hate and hold grudges, when you can just love everyone and everything so simply.

Disconnect from reality.

Last Sunday the kids and I decided to skip church to make sure and receive the phone call from my husband. Surprisingly he called early in the morning, leaving us plenty of time to get to church. Knowing I should go, I decided to just get some errands done. The kids and I took off to pay a bill which was about a twenty minute drive from our house. Today I decided to take the long way around, which makes this twenty minute drive about an hour drive. One thing that I absolutely love about Kansas, is that no matter where you drive, you see beautiful landscape. 

It was perfect weather out, nice and cool, especially having such hot weather this summer. The windows were rolled down, and we had the music turned up. The kids and I were having a perfect drive. About half way to our destination I realized that I had forgotten my cell phone. I have not gone anywhere without it, since my husband has been gone. So this was strange, and yet, I loved it. There were no worries about missing a phone call, or an email. We had already spoken with my husband so I was not concerned about missing his phone call either. 

Once we reached where we were going, I decided how nice it was to just be disconnected from the world in a way. Our drive leads to a trip to the zoo, and ice cream later in the day. Do not get me wrong, we do fun things all the time. But this was different, if I would not have taken that extra drive I would have not laughed as much with my children. If I would have had my phone, I would have been worried about who was trying to contact me, and not sang along with the kids. If I would have had my phone, I would have not driven with all the windows down due to being worried that I was going to miss a call. I know it sounds like I am in desperate need of my phone, but when I live far away from family and friends; it is more like a safety for me. 

Oddly enough, I am not a huge fan of the internet, or cell phones. I would easily give it up, if the rest of the world could communicate without them. And yet at the same time, if I was not worried all of the time about having my phone with me, I do not know if that simple drive without it would have meant so much.

Once a week from now on I will leave the phone at home, or least shut it off while the kids and I do something special. We will take another drive to somewhere we have never been. And as long as the weather allows us, we will have the windows down feeling the breeze. I challenge you to do the same. Let yourself look at the landscapes, notice how odd the trees are. Watch your children’s faces, without checking a text or email. Allow yourself to take this time to really realize how beautiful the world is around you. That is the beauty of nature, although we have given in to the powers of technology, nature is still an awesome wonder. So enjoy it.

We take safety for granted.

When we first moved to our current Army post, my daughter was just starting kindergarten. I was also just really beginning to fall into my ‘stay at home mom’ role. It was hard for me to get past the fact that I was not contributing to the money in the household. At this point I decided to try and do some odd and end jobs to bring in some money. My only real hurdle at this point was getting my daughter from her school to our home. We only live about six blocks away from the school, and I had seen a lot of children walking to and from school. My daughter wanted to walk by herself and tried and tried to convince me, but I was not about to allow my, at the time, five year old to walk alone. I spoke with the school about what we could do, and hoping that a busing system bring her home. After speaking with the secretary I had completely lost hope, she stated that they do not run a busing system and to just find a second grader to have walk with my daughter. WHAT! So to my understanding if my daughter and a second grader are walking home and someone tries to abduct them, this second grader is going to fight them off? 

The argument that we live on a military post, a safer place than usual, makes no sense to me at all. As of right now there are three registered sex offenders living on post, one right down the street. I understand that in some cases sexual offenders may have not done anything that would harm others, but the point is we are humans. Just because we live on a military post does not mean that we are hidden from the crimes of the outside world. Another argument I bring up is that on this particular base, it is classified as a historical post. So you do not have to military personnel or a dependent to get through the gates. 

I understand that there are thousands of people living here, and many are conscious of where their children are at all times. There are hundreds though, that just seem to ship their children out and shut the door behind them. Children are constantly running out into the street, and coming over to play. Unfortunalty I do not allow them to stay, since I have never met their parents and sometimes I have never even seen them before. I just cannot even imagine sending my children outside knowing that they run the neighborhoods. For all I know they could go up to someone’s door, go inside, and never return. 

Last year a soldier pleaded guilty to child abuse of his stepdaughter, a four year old that wound up in the ICU with a ruptured spleen. Now I am not trying to say that soldiers are bad people, or that living on a military post is a dangerous place. I am simply trying to prove the point that although these men and women do extraordinary things every day, they are still human beings. Do not think for a minute that letting your small child run freely; entering homes of strangers, and simply walking home from school is alright; crimes happen no matter where you are. 

I would love to say that bad things do not happen, especially living on a military post. That is not reality though. Naturally we all would like to feel safe no matter where we are. Let’s use our heads though, especially in situations like this. If your child wants to go outside, go with them. If they want to go for a walk, go with them. Get involved with them, and keep them safe. You are their biggest protector.

I am not in the dark.

Preparing for deployment causes many different emotions to run through your mind. An obvious one is the fact that your spouse may never return. There comes a point when this thought starts to emerge that you need to decide what route you want to take, to stay in the dark or not.

My husband and I discussed this before he had even left, I asked him to please not tell me if anything bad was happening or if he was put in danger for any reason. I quit watching the news, and stopped reading magazines and newspapers. I chose the route of being in the dark. This worked for a while; I had shut myself out from the public news of pretty much anything, especially the war. The only problem was I was coming up with theories in my head as to what was happening over there. 

I do not consider myself to be dumb to the fact of what happens in the time of war. I tried my best to stay knowledgeable of the events, even before my husband joined the Army. War is not something I like to have happening, but it is something that I stand behind. So to go from updated to blind to it all seemed to almost make this emotional ride that much harder. 

It started when the conflict in Libya was going on. I had caught wind of it one day when I was checking my email. I was intrigued by the news, and found myself worrying about what was happening over there, and how it would affect us in the U.S. Not too long into it the news broke about a photojournalist, and photographer that were killed during the conflict. Tim Hetherington and Chris Hondros were tragically killed on April 20, 2010. 

You are probably wondering what in the world this has to do with my husband who is not in Libya, but instead in Iraq. It comes together one night after the kids went to bed and I was flipping through the channels on the T.V. I came across a movie called Restrepo, and noticing the same name, Tim Hetherington in the information slot, I found myself watching the story. In short, the photojournalist is documenting a platoon of American soldiers through the eastern part of Afghanistan. I was hooked, I could not stop watching the documentary, knowing this should be the last thing I should be looking at. I cried most of the way through the show, not only for what was so horrifyingly happening to these men, but the emotions you could see on their faces after seeing a brother killed right in front of them. It was at this moment that I changed my route; I did not want to be in the dark any more. 

It is hard being at home alone, with your loved one in a place so dangerous. The fact of the matter is though; they are the ones in that place, they are the ones fighting this war. I feel as if it is my duty to stay up to date with what is going on. I do not want to feel as if I have to assume that things are better or worse than they actually are.  It is not easy to hear the news of soldiers being killed. It seems as though it happens weekly. It breaks my heart, even if I do not know them. They are a child to someone, maybe a mother or father, brother or sister. They are the ones going through this war, day in day out. So for me, I feel compelled to stay up to date, to honor those dead or alive with the simple understanding and respect for what they are doing or have done. 

I am no longer a wife in the dark. And although I do not think this is the route for everyone, I am more than happy I chose this way. In a way it makes me that much more honored to be married to a serviceman. I have even more pride to shake the hand of a veteran who has served this great country. I am proud to say that I have changed my route, I will never be in the dark again.

Fighting the sickness.

It never failed, every winter my family would get slammed with the flu. We would be down and out for a couple weeks, at least. My husband is a huge help, so battling the entire family being sick at once, was all about working together. When it came time for my husband to deploy, we just happened to be entering flu season. After being hit particularly hard the prior year, I was even more concerned about going through this alone. That was the moment that I decided the only way to get through this flu season was to simply, not get sick.

Now, making it through without getting the flu is a marathon in itself, having children in school makes it that much tougher, with germs flying freely.  So I figured the only way to beat it, was to get our bodies healthy enough that our immune systems were strong enough to just ward it off all together.

The first step is making sure that you have a plan that involves the entire family. I strongly believe in getting your children healthy at a young age, and without another adult around it gives you an extra support to keep going. And although we pushed for fruits and veggies in their diets anyways, I needed to really get them going with all of the needs to make an even stronger and healthier immune system. 

The next thing I did was go grocery shopping .Which was not easy, since I assumed at this time that everyone had the flu, so touching the carts, and money was making me nervous. I know, anal.

The easiest way to go about healthy grocery shopping is to stay on the outer part of the grocery store as much as possible. Start with your fruits and veggies; do not get too carried away as you do not want them to spoil before you can use them. So plan on getting enough to just last a week.  I make sure and get enough that the kids have vegetables at lunch and dinner.  Do not feel as if I am saying to not enter the isles at all, but try to keep it minimal, and attempt to get foods made from whole wheat. Make sure and incorporate lots of healthy proteins into the diet also, chicken breast and peanuts are a great go –to.

A key to getting your body good and healthy is the all dreaded, exercise. Unfortunately I do not have a personal gym, past my treadmill. And although there are gyms to use for free here on Post, that still did not solve my childcare issue. I am not about to pay someone money so I that I can go to the gym, when I am more than capable of doing it at home, with no equipment. Let’s not forget that children need exercise also, especially in the winter. I really got into P90x, and allowed the kids to join in as much as they wanted. I understand that P90x is not for everyone, although I think you should try it for a week before you make any decisions. I also found Wii fit to be a great workout! And again, the kids really enjoyed joining in on this one. One thing that really excited the kids, was encourage them to make up their own routines. So we would have ‘gym’ class in the living room. It is no surprise that kids have more energy then adults, so you would understandably get a great workout, just trying to keep up.

We stayed on top of eating right, and exercising, along with taking our vitamins every day. We also allowed ourselves “cheat days”, as I think everyone should do. So we did not feel deprived. It is now August, almost a year from when my husband left, and we have not been sick once. I will stick by this natural, safe technique to get through this year’s flu season again, and just to stay healthy and fit. So do not be afraid to just get up and get moving in the privacy of your own home. A half an hour a day is all you need, just get up and get your heart rate up. You will feel great, look great, and keep fighting the sickness!

Ten ways to survive deployment.

1. Make friends. Even just one.

 Sounds easy, especially since we really are all living along the same lives. The reality is that finding a friend that you can just relax with is much easier when you are young. I find it important though to at least have a contact, so you do not feel so alone. This also helps in case an emergency arises, you have a somewhat of a support system that you can call on.

2. Do not argue with your spouse over petty issues.

Although you are living apart, the reality is, you are still married. There are going to be disagreements, and times when emotions run high. My husband and I have our moments, but once it is over, we move on. Apologies are important, but not holding grudges are much more important. Just remember the situation you are both in and remind yourself that you both are going through this together, so work as a team.

3. Find a hobby.

Whether you have children or not, there will be times when you need time to yourself. Finding a hobby that you enjoy is a great way to disconnect from reality for a bit, and just have time alone. Do not feel as though you need to spend tons of money attempting to build up a hobby. Just find something you enjoy, and make time to accomplish it. I have found that I enjoy going to thrift stores and trying to find old tables that I can fix up and try to make use of. It gets me out of the house, and the kids even enjoy helping out.

4. Talk to strangers.

 I know what you are thinking, STRANGER DANGER!

Okay, maybe that was not exactly what you are thinking, but either way this one is important. Whether you are in the grocery store or out for a walk, say hello to those around you. Engage in conversation. This leaves your soul feeling good for just being polite, and in a way reminds you that you are all here for the same reasons.

5. Get involved.

 I get told a lot how hard it must be to be in a place with my husband deployed, no family, and three children. I may feel differently about this if my children were different people, but I feel as though it must be much tougher being a spouse with no children. Lonely. So get involved, whether you have children or not.

Those of us with children need to remember that they are our biggest support group. They are dealing with the same issues as we are, they just do not express it in the same way. So get involved with them. Play house, be the school teacher, even get into a food fight. Let them know that they are not alone on this emotional journey, and allow yourself to let go and bring out your inner child.

Those who do not have children, take this opportunity to get involved in other ways. The Army and usually the towns surrounding the post offer different types of groups to join at little or no cost. Anything from learning how to cook, to bird watching. I say join one, or just try a different one out each week. This will keep you busy, and allow you to meet others in a social setting.

If a group is not really your thing, then think about joining a gym. Again gyms on post are free. So take advantage and use their equipment. This gives you a great time to just think without distractions. Amazingly getting physically healthy helps with your mental happiness also, so I see no downside to this one.

6. Redecorate your house.

There is something I find therapeutic about change. At least when it comes to my living room. I can not count the times I have moved my living room around. This adds a change to your life that is refreshing and does not cause a huge deal of stress. Not to mention it really is good exercise. So do not be afraid to change things up from time to time. Do not feel as though you have to stop at your living room either. My bed has been on every wall in my bedroom, as have my children's.

 7. Put money up for a special treat when your spouse returns.

Our family really enjoys taking weekend trips. So for us we are putting money up to take a long weekend away to spend in a hotel. It does not have to be anything extravagant, just something that you normally do not get to do otherwise. Another idea, is to save for something that the family can have all together. When my husband returns he is purchasing new bikes for everyone. Not only is this exciting for us, but also gives us something wonderful to do as a family on the weekends. So talk to your spouse, think of something fun, maybe out of the ordinary that you would both like to do. Then start putting money up every pay check, it adds up fast, and will get you excited about something extra.

8. Do charity work.

 I know I have brought up just feeling good about yourself a couple times already, but what is so wrong with that? Charity work is great way to help others out, and feel good about what you are doing. There are so many things in the community that you can lend a hand with. A great option is volunteering for the USO. Many soldiers, and families are helped out through the USO, it is a win win. Now for me it is difficult with having children to give my time to an organization. So I like to donate clothing or food to others that may not be able to afford it otherwise. My children have also gotten involved, by donating their toys. It may not seem like much, but to families that do not always have things like this is means a lot. And as I mentioned before, it just makes you feel good, leaving less time to be sad during deployment.

9. Do not take life to serious.

This sometimes is a tough one, in a situation like this. Although separation and the worries of what's to come is always lingering, it is important to just learn to laugh. I worry a lot about what others are thinking when I do certain things. Am I making a fool of  myself? Do they think I am just being ridiculous? Then there comes a time, when you need to just let it go, do not worry what others think. By all means, dance with the man on the corner playing his guitar. Run through the sprinkler with your children. Get your face painted at the carnival. At the end of the day it does not matter what others think, it matters that you are living life to fullest, by just being happy.

10. It is okay to cry.

 I know this in a way goes against what I said before, about just being happy. There is no denying though that life in general is tough. So although taking time to be happy and silly at times is great, it is also great to cry. You are going to have days that just seem sad, lonely, or maybe just not right.It is normal. I was told at a meeting that you may feel okay one minute, then out of no where burst into tears. I thought, right, I won’t cry just anywhere. Low and behold, I have. I have started to cry in the grocery store, at the doctors, and even at my daughters school. I do not think we realize all that is on our minds. Between everyday life, and all the extras that you are taking on alone, it takes a toll on you. So do not be afraid to cry, even if that means holding it until the kids are asleep and you are just alone. Get it out.

In the end, do not forget that although at times it seems as though this deployment is going to take forever, or you just can not do it on your own. Just remember that you are never alone, thousands of people are in the same situation as you. And when the time starts to close in on the end of the deployment you will be amazed at how fast it truly went. So let go, live life, and be proud to be the spouse of a Hero.

"Love you, miss you, see you tomorrow..."

Sixty days.
  
That is how close we are to being a family again. My husband is currently deployed to Iraq and with ten months down, my three children and I are almost to the finish line of this deployment.

Anyone that knows me, knows I am 100% a true American. By this I mean that I am so proud of the USA, I am so proud of the Military service men, and women. So I will be the last person to complain about the position my family and I are in. With that said, there are still moments though in this direction of life that break my heart.

The first couple months after my husband left were filled with activities, school, and holidays. We made sure to stay busy all the time, that the time seemed to moving very quickly. Pictures were always being drawn, and letters were always being wrote to send to 'Dad'. It was always brought up of how long we had to go, but never really questioned by any of the children of exactly how long. My daughter is 7, so she understands the meaning of a timeline. Then there is one son who is now 4, and the youngest son is 2. So a timeline to them does not mean a whole lot. So for them to not really question how long until dad came home was understandable.

Then the question came, from my then 3 year old. "Mom, why can't dad come home tomorrow?" it is hard to hear, especially from a child so young. How do you explain how long is left to a child that does not understand how long until the end of week. Nonetheless I attempted, I proceeded to tell him how dad is working and doing his part to protect us. That with his job in the Army, they say that he has to stay for 12 months. For us it was from one Halloween, to another.

My son would smile, and let the question go for a few days. He would ask again, and again I would explain to the best of my ability. Although hearing it never stops tugging on my heart, it does get to a point that it is just normal.

Then came the moment when my son was chatting via Skype with his dad. At the end of the conversation he blurted out, "love you, miss you, see you tomorrow!" and off he went to play. Now to me it does not seem like a huge deal to just let him go, but that process of thinking seems to have mixed reactions in the military life. There are others that think we should not allow him to just assume that one day his dad will be home, when the reality of it is, he may never see his dad again.

Now, I may just see this differently because my children are so young. With all the hardships children deal with these days, worrying about one of their parents dying, just seems like a bridge to be crossed if it were to ever happen.

Another tactic I have heard is to just keep it all from the children completely. Do not tell them where there parent is, or at least the dangers of why they are there. Now I may seem to contradict myself, but I do not agree with this either. I have explained to all three of my children that their dad is in Iraq, a place where there are many people that dislike him, and dislike many people in the United States. I explain that he is protecting us from those bad people, and making sure that they do not harm any of us here.

Understandably we all have different ways of dealing with situations. I just feel as though when it comes to life or death situations, especially with younger children, lets let them continue to say "love you, miss you, see you tomorrow!"