Preparing for deployment causes many different emotions to run through your mind. An obvious one is the fact that your spouse may never return. There comes a point when this thought starts to emerge that you need to decide what route you want to take, to stay in the dark or not.
My husband and I discussed this before he had even left, I asked him to please not tell me if anything bad was happening or if he was put in danger for any reason. I quit watching the news, and stopped reading magazines and newspapers. I chose the route of being in the dark. This worked for a while; I had shut myself out from the public news of pretty much anything, especially the war. The only problem was I was coming up with theories in my head as to what was happening over there.
I do not consider myself to be dumb to the fact of what happens in the time of war. I tried my best to stay knowledgeable of the events, even before my husband joined the Army. War is not something I like to have happening, but it is something that I stand behind. So to go from updated to blind to it all seemed to almost make this emotional ride that much harder.
It started when the conflict in Libya was going on. I had caught wind of it one day when I was checking my email. I was intrigued by the news, and found myself worrying about what was happening over there, and how it would affect us in the U.S. Not too long into it the news broke about a photojournalist, and photographer that were killed during the conflict. Tim Hetherington and Chris Hondros were tragically killed on April 20, 2010.
You are probably wondering what in the world this has to do with my husband who is not in Libya, but instead in Iraq. It comes together one night after the kids went to bed and I was flipping through the channels on the T.V. I came across a movie called Restrepo, and noticing the same name, Tim Hetherington in the information slot, I found myself watching the story. In short, the photojournalist is documenting a platoon of American soldiers through the eastern part of Afghanistan. I was hooked, I could not stop watching the documentary, knowing this should be the last thing I should be looking at. I cried most of the way through the show, not only for what was so horrifyingly happening to these men, but the emotions you could see on their faces after seeing a brother killed right in front of them. It was at this moment that I changed my route; I did not want to be in the dark any more.
It is hard being at home alone, with your loved one in a place so dangerous. The fact of the matter is though; they are the ones in that place, they are the ones fighting this war. I feel as if it is my duty to stay up to date with what is going on. I do not want to feel as if I have to assume that things are better or worse than they actually are. It is not easy to hear the news of soldiers being killed. It seems as though it happens weekly. It breaks my heart, even if I do not know them. They are a child to someone, maybe a mother or father, brother or sister. They are the ones going through this war, day in day out. So for me, I feel compelled to stay up to date, to honor those dead or alive with the simple understanding and respect for what they are doing or have done.
I am no longer a wife in the dark. And although I do not think this is the route for everyone, I am more than happy I chose this way. In a way it makes me that much more honored to be married to a serviceman. I have even more pride to shake the hand of a veteran who has served this great country. I am proud to say that I have changed my route, I will never be in the dark again.
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