Is Being a Mom Really For Me?

As I sit here and type this up, my youngest child is crying that he is going to “clean!” There are two problems with this; first, it is nap time…. so cleaning is not even on my mind right now and second he fails to ever clean when told too. Now he just turned three so I do give him some leeway in the cleaning department, but of course he is suppose to clean up after himself, just not when he is suppose to be sleeping. As of right now he has made 4 bathroom trips, fallen off the couch twice, made up three songs, put on a pair of shoes, and even told me to make sure that he is not doing anything wrong….. sigh.

Sometimes I wonder if being a stay at home mom is really the job for me, or being a mom at all. Do not judge me, we all have these feelings. Not that I would ever trade my children in, most of the time at least, and I would never give up the life that I have for anything. That does not mean that there are not natural frustrations to go along with parenting.

It is like every time that I buy something for my husband and my middle son tells him that we did NOT buy him… exactly what it was. Or if we use a public restroom and the children have to narrate EVERYTHING that is going on. My son asked me today at the grocery store why that woman looks like a man. Really? And it seems as though when these types of situations happen they are not just a setback in the day, but a notice that this is the theme for the entire rest of the day.

I know all of those parents out there can think of at least one situation that your child/children have said or done something that made you sweat in public without you having to do anything physical. Or even those without children, seeing things happen in stores or restaurants that make you wonder what the heck is going on here! We have all been there, no matter how well behaved your children are, there are always those moments.

My daughter is famous for correcting me when I am telling a story, as if I am lying about the entire thing. She is shy the entire time, unless I make a mishap in recalling a story. She also loves to remind me of how bad my memory is and how I forget everything. At least I think that is what she tells me.

My middle son is famous for being overly emotional. He cries whenever we have to leave a friend’s house, or if he has to eat something that he does not like, which is not much. It is not a normal temper tantrum cry though, it is as if you just broke is heart.

And then there is my youngest son. The one that began this blog… he has relocated from the couch to the floor next to me, after yet another bathroom break of course. Oh yes, my youngest, he is child in his own.

So do I truly wish that I was not a mom? No, these children are my lives, and although they have many times that I wonder what in the world they are doing I would never trade those times for the oh so many times of laughter and love. Because thankfully my children are not always this way, and more than anything they are all full of compassion.

My daughter is truly famous for her brain and her heart. She loves to give away her toys to children that are less fortunate, and calls her younger brothers sweetie or honey if they are upset.

My middle son is a character, he loves to make others laugh and is the first one to give hugs and kisses. He will randomly walk out just say I love you, and is never afraid to share.

And then there of course is my youngest, who right now is break dancing in front of me, as though he is invisible. He is famous for his ability to make us all laugh so hard. Although sometimes he creates frustration, when it is all said and done, it is always hard to stay serious. He is always full of cuddles, and great at melting your heart.

Parenthood. It is a great journey and a wonderful test of patience, and overall a great way to see life through the innocent mind of a child.

Rules

I love this life, I love this home, I love this tradition. I am starting to think though, that I do not love the rules. I do not mean the rules that state that we cannot ride our bikes without a helmet, or a motorcycle without all of the protective gear on. I am also not speaking of the fact that we cannot park our camper in our driveway, or that we are not aloud to change the oil on our cars in our driveways. Strangely none of these bother me all that much, well maybe that camper one. Seriously, it's just a camper! (I will save that for another blog) Anyways, what does bother me is that here I am in a life that I love, and rules that really are not that bad, and yet the one that I cannot control is the one I hate the most, death.

You see all of the posts on Facebook with the photos of the wife at the graveside and the transparent soldier holding her, or the child receiving the flag at his fathers funeral. We all look and get sad, sometimes shed a tear, but that is about as far as it goes. I was reading the newspaper the other weekend, and it had pictures of families releasing balloons, all of them there for the same reason; they had lost a loved one in war. I have made mention of the many funerals that I have witnessed at the end of the street where the Chapel is, but it was not until I saw this picture that it really sank in. There were so many people, so many wives, children, mother's, father's, husband, and friends. There have been so many lives lost not only in the hands of the enemies, but in the hearts of the families.

We as Army wives sit and wait a lot of the time. We are left alone, and here to deal with the issues of everyday life. We cry at night after the busy day is over, and we pray to ourselves that our loved ones are brought home safe. The part that I cannot wrap my head around though is that we cannot help those who have lost. The fact of the matter is that no matter how much you do for a family that has been dealt this horrific hand, the one thing they need you cannot give them. They need to know why, they need to feel the warmth of the one that was taken away, they need to be able to instil in their children why daddy is never coming home again, and the strength to not break down when the kids sob in sorrow.

I understand that we came into this lifestyle with the understanding that not everyone will come home in one piece, or at all for that matter. And for those of you that are against the war, or military, or do not appreciate those that have served I want you to read that again. We all came into this lifestyle with full understanding that you may die, your loved one may not come home, and that your children may never see one of their parents again. And yet here we are, living this lifestyle. Strange, how different it seems typing it as apposed to living it. Never would I sit and think it is all that special to live this life, and I still do not see my family as anything special in itself. And yet when I look at those families who have lost, those families that have given the ultimate sacrifice, I am set back for a moment on how real this lifestyle is.

So here I sit all sappy in my husbands chair. Maybe it is because I am tired, maybe it is because there are soldiers deploying by the handful right now, or maybe it was that picture. But I am so thankful that I have lived this lifestyle, I am so thankful that I got to experience the ups and downs, and highs and lows. I am thankful that I get to see the sorrow of the families that have lost; I do not like that they have, but I appreciate that I can understand without ignorance the true honor that it is to live beside these men and women.

I know that in the end it is God that makes the rules of why these things are happening. I also understand that those who have chose to take the lives of the innocent are those of the Devil. But I am hoping that one day, I can make a rule like those that made the rule against my camper sitting in my driveway to just bring understanding and happiness to the families of the lost.

Thank you to those who serve and have served this amazing country. And to the families that have lost, and sacrificed day after day. 

I'm Stuck

I have been sending my resume out for about a week now, and have been to interviews already and still have more to come. I get really excited to think about the job that I am interviewing for and the fact of being back out in the workforce. Then I lay in bed at night, and think about how I have to leave my children with someone else, and I lose my thunder.

It is so hard to think about leaving my children, and yet it is hard to not be working. I know that there are many stay at home moms that feel this way, but is it really so hard???

At this point I have been a stay at home mother for three years now, I have been able to raise my youngest since he was born. I have not been to a real job in three years, and I have not missed any school functions in three years. I was there for my middle child's first day of Preschool, and my daughters Kindergarten graduation. There is no calling in when my children are sick, and no worrying about being late when my hair is not working out. I can make a fool of myself while "working" and no one will know. Well unless my children tell, which is normally how it works out.

When I worked I was able to get away. Now as a parent you know that we love our children dearly, but having some adult conversations can get you through just about anything. I felt a sense of power because I was important to people that were not related to me. I was not only staying home being a mother, but I was going to work everyday then coming home and finishing up the day with my family. And not to mention the paycheck... it was not much, but it was a paycheck. I was contributing to my family and to the income that supported us.

Then of course there is the dreaded daycare. Not only the stress of finding one that you are comfortable with, but also one that you can afford. Is it really worth it in the end, if I am merely breaking even? They are getting the experience of being around other children. They are also exposed to education that we may not provide at home.

So here I am... I'm stuck. Which direction do I go? Do I hand my children over to someone else to care for just so that I may enter back into the adult world? Do I hand my children over to someone else to care for just so that I can make a few extra bucks? Do I hand my children over to someone else to care for just so that I may feel the sense of importance?

I guess we will see where this journey takes me, but for now I will tend to my children. I will enjoy every ounce of love that they carry, and all of the lessons that they are not only learning, but also teaching me as well.

Red Rover

“Green light!”

“Red Light!”

“Gotcha!”

My children and husband were on our way home from the park one evening and after a short race with the kids, my husband asked if they wanted to play ‘Red light, green light’, to both his and my surprise they did not know what that game was.

I watched for a few minutes, in awe of how lucky I am to have a husband who adores our children enough to spend his extra time teaching them a silly game. I also got thinking to myself how sad it is that there a lot of children who have no idea how to play that game, or know how to fish, or have any idea what an encyclopedia is.

Do not get me wrong, I love technology(hence the blog), but I also feel that it is so much more important to equipped our children with the lessons that we learned as children, and maybe add a 20^th century twist to it.

For example, get off your butts and get outside. How you say it to your children is up to you, but let us remember that before shipping our small children outside by themselves, we need to remember that we are in the new age of technology. There are people out there that can find us very easy and very quickly, there are people out there that can get on a computer and find which street houses the most children. And then pray on them. I live on a military installation, and much to my surprise children run freely around the neighborhoods, small children. Now I know I have touched base on this before, but once again we are all human, just because we live the military life does not mean that each and every one of us is purely good. So remember when telling your children to head outside, join them. Protect them, while teaching them simple games that you played as a child. Join them for a game of soccer, or a nice round of tag.

And then there are video games, and all of the controversy that goes along with them. I have to admit, I am not a fan of letting my children play games all the time. And I do feel as if playing violent games shows influential children that it is okay or “cool” to act in certain ways. I am not going to get too far into that, since we all have our different opinion, and I will respect them all. But maybe if we could take an hour of that free time and just spend time with our children. Let them know that we are still there for them, even if just to force them to spend time with us. (Kidding) I feel as though if they feel as though we are paying attention to them they are going to think twice before making questionable choices.

Manners. This is a big one to me. I feel as though respect has gone down the tubes. You cannot go to McDonalds without getting attitude, as if they did not want you to show up in the drive –thru that day. If you have a job, whether it be handing out fries, or signing paychecks, be thankful. The point is you have a job, you are alive, and you are surrounded by others. Show some respect. As parents we need to instill this into our children young, so focus on being overly polite. Not only does it show great respect for your children to follow, but it also makes those around us feel good. Pay it forward through manners.

Playing outside without all of the toys; my children have a ton of toys, and I am not saying that spending money to get them the toys is wrong, but I also feel as though seeing our children imagination through nature is very inspiring. Many do this already, but if not try it out; Take your children outside, or to a nature park, plan to spend a good 2 hours there. Let them just play. Using their imaginations will show you just how amazing they really are, and how simple life can be.

I understand that we are in a new age, and I am by no means against that. I could also probably go on and on what I feel is right and wrong, but I do it with the understanding that that does not make me right, or wrong. We all have our opinions, and should be open to others. Look around today and just realize what you have and how great life really is. Enjoy the little things. Maybe even go outside and play Red Rover.

Madyson's Story

My daughter Madyson is a wonderful and beautiful child. She reads and writes all the time and I would love to share some of her stories with you. Here is her latest.

A puppy is lost in Africa. She is in Africa to see lions. Lions are scary. Really Scary. The puppys name was Princess. Princess is a chocolate lab.

Princess was lost in Africa for 16 days until a girl named Leana came to Africa. Leana was a nice girl, she fed Princess, she gave Princess water. Princess loved it.

One day an airplane came to pick up Leana. Princess was very, very sad. She did not want Leana to leave. Leana did not want to leave either, but she had to go home.

Leana told the airplane driver to come back in April. It was January. Princess was happy.

In February Princess and Leana ate mangos, apples, and kiwi. It was good.

In March they ate kiwi, oranges, and salad. That was good too.

In April they ate mangos, apples, and kiwis again. But at the end of April Leana had to leave. She said bye to Princess and left.

In July Leana came back with her family to see Princess. Princess was so so happy to see Leana. Leana was happy to see Princess.

THE END.

Hitting it head on.

It has been a while since I have written a blog. Many of those who know me know that my middle child has been having some health problems. Throughout the doctor’s visits, and hospital stays I try and stress to others that he has something wrong, but it is not serious. It never became an issue that I felt really needed to be stressed until we began visiting a children’s hospital to see a specialist.

The hospital is amazing; it was built and designed specifically for children. The most amazing thing though is all of the children there. I understand not all of them are there for serious issues, but it does not change the fact that they are there. Many of them are there day after day, week after week. I thank God that my child is only there so often and yet I thank God for allowing me to see the children that are seriously ill, and have the strength of warriors. They are only children, but are enduring much more than many adults with ever endure.

My child stayed in the hospital overnight for a procedure that was being done the following day. After being discharged the next afternoon, we road in the elevator with a lady that had a bag full of clothes from her daughter that was staying in the hospital. She asked how the stay was and what he was there for. She said she was curious because the floor was mainly full of children all with a similar type of illness. I wish I could remember what the name of the illness was, but it was hard to focus when all I could think was how bad I felt. Here I was walking out after 24 hours with my child, up and around going home. The woman was heading home to do laundry and spend time with her other four children, since she has been in and out of the hospital with her daughter for the past 11 months. Her daughter was only a year and a half old, and yet the mother seemed so strong. It was life, these were the cards they were dealt, and she was handling it the best she could.  

I wanted to hug her, I wanted to cry for her, I wanted to take the illness from her daughter for a day and let them just be normal for that short time. All of the children, I wish I could just make it better, I wish I could just let all of them know that they are amazing and strong… amazingly strong.

I have three children, three healthy children. Although sometimes I would like to trade them in, or even just give them away.(Especially today in the bank, but that is a whole other blog.) They are my wonderful children. I do not know how I would react if they ever fall victim to a serious illness or disease, or if I were to ever lose any of them. But seeing these children and their parents, I realized that life is too short to worry about what is to come, it is here for the taking. Cherish the moments we have together, the sunny days, and the calming rain. Be strong in the moments that we need to be, and do not feel ashamed to give in to emotions at times also.

Recently I was contacted by a woman asking to name her blog in mine to have others check her out. I was so happy to hear that she is a contributor on the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance Blog. Her name is Melanie Bowen and she is an advocate for natural health and cancer patients. I think it is great that she hits the issues head on and gives great advice on staying as healthy as you can. I am attaching the link to her page on Mesothelioma.com, but I ask that you check the whole website out as it gives not only great support but also news of things going on in everyday life.

I hope that after you have read this blog you will look around at the life you are living and cherish it a bit more. We will all face something in our lives that we think may break us, but never forget that others are hitting their fears head on with not only fear, but also courage.

http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/melanie/

I came upon this dog.

It seems as though pets these days are becoming more and more like children. Pets have their own human like beds, outfits that match the mood or weather, and more accessories than even I. I am not one to judge, and to be honest, I think it is cute, and shows that you care. Although for me, they are a pet, and along with a lot of love, I treat them as so.

For myself, when we moved to this Army post, I decided that I for sure was going to get a dog. One, because in general I just love animals, but also for when we were left without a man in the house.

I started out with a puppy, that bit and shredded my children’s skin and clothes. We then got an older puppy that we loved, but needed a friend. On a whim I saw a listing for a two year old dog that is very, very shy. This dog had been abused and did not seem to trust humans. I have a soft spot for any animal that needs help, but bringing a dog into my house around my children is always a nerve racking experience, especially a dog that is iffy of humans. I went anyways and picked this dog up, a little shocked at what I saw. She, the dog, was a lot bigger than I was expecting, and extremely scared.

In the days to follow she would not come near anyone, and if let outside it was a trick to get her come back into our home. We found out that she was sick with many different things ranging from double ear infections, to severe allergies, and also a skin infection. She has had stones in her stomach, ring worm, and also hair loss. Really? This was not exactly what I thought we were getting when getting a family pet.

Long story short we nursed her back and did not give up on making her part of our family. She slowly began to come around more and more, and before we knew it, she was playing with us. Although it seemed as though she had never really played, since she was and still is very awkward with it. Walking was always a trick since she would panic and hide whenever anyone or anything came near.

Let me put this into more of a perspective for you, she is a 100 pound chocolate lab, who at the time we got her, was flabby and very unhealthy. She now 2 years later is still around 100 pounds, and still has flab, but also a ton of muscle. So when she panics during a walk, or really anything, she makes it very difficult to regain control.

Slowly but surely she moved her way into our family and into our hearts. But it was not until my husband deployed that she became my saving grace.

It seems as though my ears became amazingly sensitive when my husband left, I could hear for miles. Maybe not miles, more like inches away from me, but still seemed amazing to me. Over a 12 month period, I do not think I slept more than a few hours of broken up sleep a night. Not to mention the neighborhood we live in was having a peeping tom problem, and also it seemed as though any weirdo’s (sorry if your reading this) in our neighborhood decided to continually stop by the house. I tried everything from moving the vehicles around, to speaking about my husband as though he was home whenever around strangers to make it seem as though I was not alone. I slept with a tire knocker under my pillow and checked on the children numerous times throughout the night. It is exhausting to continually be on alert for a murderer that is about to break in and take your life, or at least exhausting to just think these things.

I would let my dog sleep with me on and off during the time that my husband was gone, but it was not until a housing office member came into the house that I realized she was a protector. The man walked in to do a routine housing inspection, and the dog stood in front of myself and the children and watched the man until he walked out the door. Now this may not seem strange for a dog, but for a dog that seems to be afraid of a fart (yes I said it), let alone a strange man, it was great for me to see.

She began sleeping in bed with me, not only for the protection of her being close, but also for the fact that there was another body in the bed. Now only those of you that have a significant other that leaves for long periods of times will understand that. Sometimes it is nice to have a bed of your own, but after a night or two it becomes hard to sleep without that other body in bed with you. Thankfully my big dog took that place.

I know it all sounds crazy, but thinking of how I came upon this dog that needed help and ended up having her help me seems like such a blessing. There is no way that I would have gotten any sleep during this deployment if I had not had her watching over us. She went from being a scared odd acting dog, to a lover and protector of our family. I truly believe that God brought us together to keep each other safe, and sane.

And yes, she has her own sweatshirt now.